I give more than I take
I hate liars
I hate being ignored
I can feel other people's emotions with my heart
I’m eating peanut butter and jam on toast, still my favourite at 44 years old, in my quiet house which costs me $400/week plus expenses. I would’ve never thought I could afford this on my own.
When I was younger, I sacrificed my freedom, my happiness, my independence and spoiled my relationships with men primarily because I thought I needed someone to share the load of life with me. This is never a good reason to enter into a relationship.
The relationships failed, not necessarily because they were not nice guys. I'm also not saying I didn't love them each in their own unique way. I believe they failed because the energy I was putting into the relationship was more about need than of want or genuine unconditional love. It was unconscious of course. I thought I loved them but when I became dependent, the love shifted and faded and turned into fear of losing the security I'd grown accustomed to in the relationship. It was a paradox, I ran from love in fear of losing it.
I needed to know what it feels like to be 100% alone in this world. It took me a long time to figure it out. I've always been a late bloomer.
I want to stress here that I am writing this from the perspective of a childless, unmarried, middle aged woman who can't grasp that she's in her 40's.
The message I am sharing is that we are all capable of looking after ourselves. It doesn’t have to be for $400/wk. There are so many ways to survive and thrive when you are willing to think and search for opportunities. House sitting is a great way to see the world. Tiny homes on wheels. Tiny homes on a small lot. Live-in care giving. Renting a room in another person's home, feeling good knowing you are helping them pay off debt. It's healthy to think about helping others and not just ourselves.
These are all options I’ve even considered and would explore if I had to. Would it be easy to let go of my favourite “things”? Nope, not at all. I’d cry a lot. I would probably even store that stuff until I was ready to let it go. That’s okay. Would I have to figure out what I’d do with my dog? Yep. It would be really hard if I had to give him up but I’d meditate long and hard on my options that included keeping him first. But if I couldn’t keep him, then I would find a place where I know he’d be happy. And I would cry for days about it. But I know I’d get over it and so would he, eventually.
The aim is to be FREE. Nothing is forever. Don’t become attached to your things or to your surrounding or to the people in your life. You can live a life of freedom and not necessarily lose your connection to the people, places and things you love (well maybe THINGS and children... because children are officially a 16-18 year commitment... but after that please let your children be free too. You aren't doing them any favours by teaching them to remain dependent.) These “things” tend to accumulate no matter where you go. In fact, by remaining in the same place, around the same people, doing the same things you are actually denying yourself (and others... especially your adult children) the opportunity to connect to even more amazing people, places and things. Get it? We are only limited by what we don’t allow ourselves to experience.
I'm not saying relationships are bad and that you should stay single and never live with a partner. OMG, no that's not what I'm implying. I'm simply speaking for myself, saying that until I learnt to be alone, I was truly unable to enter into a healthy relationship where I wasn't DEPENDING on the other person. I am waiting for the right partner and to enter into a relationship for all the right reasons. My point is that we all need to feel we can make it on our own first. I think we owe that to ourselves. Because otherwise we live fearfully, afraid of life alone.
I still love peanut butter and jam on toast. I have eaten it in just about every country I have travelled to. It tastes different everywhere. The bread is different, the butter is different (sometimes I have to sacrifice butter and just have straight peanut butter on toast), the peanut butter is ALWAYS different, the jam is different. As I've gotten older my choices of peanut butter and jam has changed. I like healthy bread, sour dough or a brown bread with nuts and seeds. I prefer my toast thin. I only eat real peanut butter these days, freshly made if possible, chunky is best. I aim to eat homemade jams, with less sugar.
But here’s the thing, the experience is the same. I eat it with generous amounts of butter first, melting into the toast. Then a layer of peanut butter, not too thick. And a very generous helping of jam. I love different flavours of jam, often one flavour on each slice so I can have variety. It’s something I eat for comfort.
All we have in this world is ourselves. If we give ourselves up to make other people happy or to live life on other people’s terms or to live in constant fear of death… well then we’ve missed the entire point of living.
Life is about enjoying, being totally present and trying different things so you can truly say you experienced everything life offered you. Whether it's with the person you love the most in this world or on your own in the comfort of your own space... 100% enjoying the moment for what it is... now.
*** If you are reading this and you are in a happy committed partnership then I say, love that person with your whole being and appreciate every single moment. True love is Freedom. ***