Growing Up a Valley Kid in the 1980's

I grew up in a small Northern Ontario town called Hanmer, north of Sudbury with a population of about 10,000 people.  It was divided between French and English.  The kids who went to French school didn't often associate with the kids who went to English school.  My dad was French and my mom was English.  I went to English school because my brothers and sisters went there.

Fifth Birthday - no French kids that year!  

I played with anyone, I didn't care what their main language was.  My birthday fell at the end of summer which meant most of my school friends were enjoying the last long weekend of the holiday so had to invite the French kids to my birthday parties.  It was strange being the odd man out at your own birthday.  It was nice of them to come but since we only hung out once a year I wasn't in their circle.  I'd watch them play the games speaking French to each other while I topped up their glasses of orange Fanta.  Everyone knows, the French love a good party.

Growing up in Hanmer in the 80's was pretty amazing.  It was also known as Valley East.  We were "Valley Kids".  We had ultimate freedom.  The neighbourhoods were generally safe, kids were free to roam.  There were acres of bush land to explore.  One of my favourite things to do was to play in the bush with my best friend Laura. We'd build forts and set traps for the imaginary Indians.  We played for hours out there with no one knowing where we were or what we were doing.  It was our own private world that we didn't share with adults.

We'd hop on our bikes and ride for miles through a series of dirt tracks in the bush which were made by dirt bike riders (and in the winter time, snowmobile tracks).  These were called the monkey trails.  There was an element of fear and thrill, you could easily get lost in the monkey trail maze.  We loved the idea of someone sending a search party for us.  We'd pick wild blueberries and raspberries, pack a picnic, our Barbie dolls, and play all day out there.  Not a care in the world.

Laura and I at the age of 13 hitch hiked into the city.

Laura and I were pretty creative.  We didn't spend a lot of time indoors unless we were choreographing dances which we would perform on the front lawn for people out on their evening walk, we'd insist they they stop to watch. We would hold random craft markets where we'd sell our handmade macrame plant holders and bracelets.  We had a lemonade stand.  We'd decorate our bikes, recruit other kids and have parades around the neighbourhood.  We even dressed up on random occasions and went trick or treating in the middle of April.  That was our most ingenious idea ever.  Why suffer from sugar withdrawal when we can entertain for candy?  It was hard to resist our charm.  We were unique kids full of ideas.  I was the ring leader which won't surprise any of you who know me.  I was Batgirl, Laura was Robin.  Our parents didn't drive us anywhere like kids today, if we wanted to go somewhere we had to figure it out for ourselves.  At the age of 13 we started hitch hiking into Sudbury on Saturday mornings (I don't think our parents knew where we were).  We'd dress up in our coolest clothes and spend the day hanging out at Sudbury Shopping Mall.  We were pretty cool, at least we thought we were.

Laura went to French Immersion - both her parents were English but they wanted their girls to learn to speak French.  I went to the English Catholic school down the road - St. Anne's.  It was a great school.  I loved my teachers.  I loved school, period.  I was a straight A student but I rarely studied.  I was Valedictorian of my class.  Some people thought I was teacher's pet - and maybe I was.  I respected my teachers and it made me feel really good being reliable and conscientious.  I guess I'd be classified as a brown noser.

8th Grade Graduation - Pretty in Pink

My oldest sister taught me to sew.  She was an amazing seamstress herself.  I learned to make my own clothes.  The pink dress I wore to Graduation was the first fancy dress I made.  I hand beaded it and everything.  I was very proud of it.  I'm so lucky I had my sister.  She was the only person who kept an eye on me, she was my main role model.   She instilled a sense of decorum and style.  She used to dress me up like a doll and do my hair and make up like one of those little perverse beauty pageant entries they have in the USA.  I loved it.

But it wasn't all roses growing up with so much freedom.  It not a nice feeling being invisible and having no rules.  Boundaries and rules give you a sense of security. It was standard for me to come home from school to an empty house on a Friday afternoon, leave a note for my mom to tell her that I was at Laura's and I wouldn't come home until Sunday night.  This was at just 8 years old.  Prior to that age, my brothers and sisters were there but as they became teenagers I hardly saw them.  My mom worked to support 5 kids on her own.  To me this was normal.  She worked hard to put food on the table and I took it for granted that she gave me practically anything I asked for.  We didn't have much.  She always put our needs first.  She drank to hide her sadness.  A lot of my friend's parents drank.  That was also somewhat normal.  They didn't all fall asleep in the chair in the living room without making dinner... that set me apart from the rest.

Me and Al 1986

My best school friend was Allison.  I loved going to Al's place for weekend sleepovers.  Thinking back, I wasn't home much on weekends, I was always sleeping over somewhere. Allison's mom and dad were really fun and they treated me like I was part of the family.  I thought Al was so lucky.  They had a lot of parties which meant Al and I could to do anything we wanted.  We'd often stay up late watching movies that were inappropriate for our age.  I watched every scary 80's horror film at Al's house.  Allison had very few rules too.  Her parents trusted her implicitely and gave her the freedom to make her own choices.  The main differences between us was she had a dad and her parents openly adored her and drove her absolutely everywhere.  They took me and Al to Canada's Wonderland on a day trip.  It was 3 hours one way.  Unheard of in my world.  Allison's parents were fun drunks, vastly different from my mom who drank in her chair and passed out.

Laura's parent's were strict and I was intimidated by her dad, not because he was mean, in fact he was generous and very good to me.  I just wasn't used to strong male figures.  We had to do what he said, I couldn't get away with anything there and I tried, oh I tried!  I used to get Laura into so much trouble!  Bless her.  I think she spent half her summers grounded because of me.  Her dad often forbade her from hanging out with me, but we'd sneak around behind his back so he gave up trying.

My mom was lucky, because I was such a social kid, I was often invited to stay for dinner and weekends with friends.  It was an amazing way to grow up.  I was everyone's foster child.  I had motivation for this.  I was looking for love.

Sleepover at my house.  

As I said, children need boundaries to feel secure.  Having that kind of freedom left me openly vulnerable.  I was targeted by older boys who thought I was cute and who would bully me into doing things I didn't want to do.  I was abused by a number of babysitters in my younger years.

My first sitter, our next door neighbour, used to look after me when I finished my half day at kindergarten.  I would get off the bus and walk to her house for lunch.  My mom specifically told her that I liked peanut butter and jam sandwiches and that the only thing I would not eat was mushroom soup.  For two years that woman gave me mushroom soup for lunch.  While she was watching the Price is Right in the other room, I'd allow the soup to cool and then I'd pour it down my pants.  Why I chose to pour it down my pants and not down the drain, I don't know.  I didn't want to leave any evidence and risk punishment.  I'd excuse myself quickly before the soup ran down my leg,   I'd go home, change my clothes and play outside until my mom came home from work. This happened daily from the age of 4.  I thought I'd get in trouble for not eating my lunch so I didn't say anything to my mom.  I thought she knew, and I was getting away with it without getting a spanking. I could never understand why this lady blatantly ignored my mom's instructions.  Maybe she heard my mom wrong.  Or maybe she thought she'd convert me into a mushroom soup lover. I know it sounds odd, how I didn't say anything or tell my mom that I wasn't eating my lunch. I was afraid.  I was taught to eat what was put in front of me.  I sat for many hours staring at cold food (especially at Laura's house).  We weren't allowed to move from the table until it was all gone.  It was easier to pretend, hide the evidence, say thank you and leave.  I got good at sneaking food into my underwear or my big chipmunk cheeks.  At home, I just had to wait until my mom was asleep in her chair and then flush the evidence down the toilet.

I built the snowman but invited the French kids over for a photo.

Another babysitter used to punish me regularly by locking me in a bedroom for hours and hours.  Sometimes she'd lock her psychotic son in there with me and he'd bite me.  I'd often pee my pants, out of fear and the fact that the door was locked and we couldn't get out to use the bathroom.  Then she'd spank me... but it wasn't just a spanking.  It left welts. I didn't tell my mom about this either.  I thought she knew.  I seriously thought this babysitter told my mom how bad I was and my mom was okay with it.  I had an active, creative imagination to escape the reality.  I wanted to be anywhere but where I was.  This is when I began to meditate.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  I learned from an early age I had to rely on myself.

Decades later I spoke to my mom about these incidences.  As you can imagine, I was pretty upset with her for leaving me with incompetent people.  But talking to her made me realize she really had no idea.  She was desperate to find anyone willing to look after me while she went to work.  She didn't have much money to pay and these sitters were cheap.  I asked, "Didn't you notice the mushroom soup in my clothes?"  She said she thought I was a messy eater.  She also thought I had separation anxiety.   She admitted she didn't like leaving me with sitters and was glad when I made my own babysitting arrangements.

Playing in the mud age 3.

It didn't make me a victim.  In fact, it made me incredibly resilient and resourceful.  I would not be where I am today if I didn't grow up the way I did.  I'm grateful for every lesson life threw at me.

I often talk to friends of mine who say that they envy my natural sense of freedom and the fact that I picked up and moved to the other side of the world.  They would love to do it, but they can't leave their family or the familiar comforts they grew up with.  Some friends even have parents who would make them feel guilty for leaving.  This is where I'm grateful for being raised to be independent.  My mother may have been negligent at times but she did the best she could given her own personal circumstance.  She ended up giving me the greatest gift - freedom to experience life, good and bad.  This has allowed me to find my own path, draw up my own conclusions and live life how I want.  When I was 16 years old I wrote in one of my journals that I wanted to live in Paradise.  A place where it never snowed but I could still go skiing on a mountain.  I visualized it and now here I am living the dream.

I choose to hold onto the good memories.  I had an amazing childhood.  I was given wings to fly... and look how far those wings have carried me!

Bigger Doesn't Mean Better

Yesterday I completed my final assessment with Te Wananga o Aotearoa Certificate in Small Business Management (CSBM).

Established in 1984, Te Wānanga o Aotearoa provides holistic education opportunities of the highest quality for Māori, peoples of Aotearoa and the world.  It is one of New Zealand's largest tertiary education providers offering a comprehensive range of certificate to degree level qualifications to New Zealanders of all ages and walks of life.

Guided by Māori principles and values, they really take great pride in this nurturing and inclusive learning environment, as well as the depth and diversity of their courses in small business, computing, social work, teaching, Māori performing arts and te reo Māori.

Te Wānanga o Aotearoa has provided a fresh and vibrant alternative within the New Zealand tertiary education sector for 25 years, enhancing the skills and employment opportunities of more than 50,000 graduates.

In my course we covered:

•   business planning processes in the New Zealand business environment
•   business law, including legal terms and concepts and preparing a legal plan
•  marketing, including principles and concepts which can be applied to real-life situations
•  people management, including employment and staff development
•  small business accounting, including business mathematics and accounting concepts (e.g., cashbooks and filing GST returns)
•  ‘the financial plan’, including taxation, budgeting, sourcing finance and implementing financial policies and procedures into a business. 

Our class having lunch together on our last day. 

It was a 36 week course done part-time.  My teacher Ra Winiata was just incredible.  An incredible human being with a passion for small business and helping people achieve their goals.  I call him Ra Ra Ra because he was our cheerleader.  

I have run a business for 18 years without any knowledge of what I could do better.  This course helped me to discover my personal and business strengths and the things that cause me the most stress.   My strengths are definitely in marketing, real life concepts and strategic planning.   Thinking about money and conducting research on what other people are doing with their business causes me stress.  I don't want to know what other people do.  I don't see the point.  Their path is different to mine so what does it matter what they're doing?  The end goal is different.  And in regards to money, I always do quite well applying simplistic logic to the art of making money.  I decide what I want and then I achieve it without going into debt.  

What I really need is a large sum of money so that I don't have to THINK about money and I can carry on doing what I love - healing, traveling and writing.  That will be my next goal.

I learned that business can be pretty ruthless.  People aren't afraid to steal ideas if it's going to make them money.  I learned this the hard way when I shared my long term goals with someone I thought was a friend.  She was an accountant for a big company so I thought I was talking business.  A few months later she started up her own business using my ideas.  I was absolutely blindsided.  It really threw me.  There's no such thing as friends in business sadly.  So knowing this, I've come to realize what I already knew.  I have no desire to be out there in that cut throat business environment.  I have been doing pretty well for someone who knew so little.  I have something that a lot of people don't have - common sense and survival skills.  I want to keep things simple.

I am happy ticking along earning enough money to pay my bills and live comfortably. Why would I want more than that?  It reminds me of that story about the American businessman and the Mexican Fisherman.

An American businessman was standing at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish.

“How long it took you to catch them?” The American asked.

“Only a little while.” The Mexican replied.

“Why don’t you stay out longer and catch more fish?” The American then asked.

“I have enough to support my family’s immediate needs.” The Mexican said.

“But,” The American then asked, “What do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor.”

The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds you buy a bigger boat, and with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.”

“Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the consumers, eventually opening your own can factory. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But senor, how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied, “15-20 years.”

“But what then, senor?”

The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO (Initial Public Offering) and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”

“Millions, senor? Then what?”

The American said slowly, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos…”

I love that story.  I am once again reminded why I moved to New Zealand in the first place.  It is so easy to get caught up in the treadmill of life.  That feeling of wanting more more more is apparently still haunting me!  

Taking this course reminded me that I can do anything.  I can achieve absolutely ANYTHING I put my mind to.  So if I want to live a semi-retired life then who's to say that isn't successful?  Apparently just me.   I know I need to stop comparing myself to others and just focus on what I want.

"If you can achieve your sales goals you have an excellent business Tracy. The challenge now is to find the passive income that will allow you to ease back from the physical demands of your current work in future - should you want to. I like your innovative thinking with the app that you are developing and you have a great skill in writing too. You are a woman of many talents and will do well in whatever you put your heart mind and soul into."       Ra Winiata 

Ta Ra!

Now this is the life.  Long weekends in Fiji.

My Confession by Ben Stein

I find that when I get on a role with writing, I just can't stop.  Even if it means sharing other people's brilliant thoughts and stories.

Here's one that I particularly love which my best friend posted on facebook.  I left North America for many reasons.  One of the main reasons was the loss of values and simple morals.  Something is lost but this gives me hope because other people feel it too.  Maybe it can be re-discovered.  God has become a dirty word.  It amazes me just how uncomfortable that word makes people feel.  Yet how many of us have heard little kids dropping the "f-bomb".  When I was a kid, you got your mouth washed out with soap!

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees... I don't feel threatened.. I don't feel discriminated against.. That's what they are, Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want a crèche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat...

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.
In light of recent events... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc.. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school... The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about.. And we said okay..

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit.

If not, then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.

My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,

Ben Stein