Boot Camp

I signed up for 10 week boot camp. I used to think people who did boot camp were absolutely crazy, but obviously my attitude has changed and here I am allowing myself to be yelled at and threatened with hundreds of burpees if I don't bend my knees during weight lifting or if I'm late (which will never happen).

So why have I signed up?

For most of my life I have been very slim, I could eat whatever I wanted and I never gained a pound. I was also very active, taking my fitness for granted. I rode my bike everywhere or walked or was paddling on a dragonboat regularly. I am naturally a small person with a small frame, a size 6. So when I started putting weight on after I hit menopause, I just haven't felt 100% comfortable in my skin. I'm not overweight and at first glance I look healthy and "normal" sized (sz 10) but I know that I'm carrying more fat than I should be. My body fat index is 34%. Too high. I should somewhere between 16-20%. Menopause slows down metabolism and because I no longer have ovaries, my body holds onto estrogen in fat cells. I am also prone to high blood pressure and the more weight I carry causes that to go up. My heart wins. The fat is going.

After just three weeks there are some very noticeable changes and I'm very pleased with the results. I'm also getting to know myself better through this challenge. I never thought I was competitive but I am a perfectionist (I knew that) so this experience proves to me that I need to do my best. I hate running or any cardio exercise but I hate being last even more so I'm determined to be in the top of the class. There's still 8 weeks to go (total of 11 weeks) and I'm excited to see the final results!

I am not going to post my before pictures. Nobody needs to see those... but I have posted photos of what I will look like at the end of this. The old me, the real me but better!

Poor Me?

The other day I my spoke to my old accountant and friend who is based in Toronto. We haven't talked for 13 years! I knew Mark back in the day when I was a young entrepreneur earning mega money in Toronto. We belonged to the same weekly business networking group. That was the height of my earning - I was 22 years old.

It's incredible just how much I've changed. At the time, I was doing what most people did in Toronto - I measured my success by how much money I made and which neighbourhood I lived in and how nice my house and car were.

Then I went on my first big trip overseas. Three months backpacking through Europe on my own changed my entire perspective on life and what I felt was important. When I returned to Canada I just could not seem to settle back into that money making routine. My priorities shifted. The only thing that seemed important was living life... material "stuff" just didn't give me the same satisfaction.

12 years later I moved to New Zealand where life is viewed VERY differently. It makes more sense to me. You can get a job if you have the right personality, not the right qualifications. Houses are smaller, you spend more time in the garden. You own less "stuff". It's okay to have one television... they're expensive!

But the biggest difference is the fact that people seem to worry less about their future. The Kiwi Saver plans are slowly taking off but I think in general there is a very different take on money here than back in North America.

Until I had that conversation with my accountant, I was thinking that my life was pretty damn amazing. I live in a really cute cottage near one of the best beaches in the world. I don't have to worry about paying rates or taxes and if anything goes wrong, my landlord happily comes to fix it. If I want to save some money, I rent a room out to travelers. If I want to travel, I find someone else to move in while I'm off galavanting around. I work from my back garden and I make enough to comfortably pay my bills. I don't own a car but I drive a really sweet scooter - pink of course - which costs $8 to fill with premium petrol (and that's at $1.88/litre). I take care of myself mentally and physically by going to the gym (yoga class mainly) about 6 times each week. I volunteer whenever I can - which is often - for charities that feed my soul. I have a massive garden where I grow fruits and vegetables year round (pumpkin has become my favourite veg).

I don't have a lot as far as assets go but I also don't have any debt. If I lost everything in a fire or a tsunami or whatever, I know I'd be fine. I'm sensible, I have insurance. I have some money saved - not a lot - but plenty enough and I continue to save. I think I'm better off than most people I know.

BUT... that's not at all how I felt after talking to my accountant. He told me he was worried about me. Am I making enough money? Do I have a plan for my retirement? I felt inadequate because I don't have any assets. What happens if I can't work?

Don't worry, I have a plan! If everything turns to custard, I am going to move to Cambodia (or Thailand or Bali) and live in a hut and work with orphans! My accountant was horrified.

My friend Jen was over the other day for lunch. She has recently bought a lifestyle block (a small farm) with her husband. They were once big city people from the UK but always wanted a big piece of land to live their dream. She is working in a honey factory down the road... a honey FACTORY! She can't believe it herself. She is a little embarrassed to tell her friends back in the UK that she's a factory girl but she admits that she's happier than she's ever been. She has no workplace stress, she enjoys her job and it's 5 minutes from home. She is living the simple life. She doesn't have to worry about what she wears or how she looks. It just doesn't matter. She has more time at home and more time for herself. Isn't that all we really want? For some reason we think that we're meant to work hard now, save lots and lots of money so that we can take time off to retire... but why not just work in the honey factory a few hours a week?

Then I hear about people who earn hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, have exorbitant mortgages and car payments on ridiculously impractical vehicles, live WAY beyond their means and actually OWE more money than they are worth. I just don't get that. How does someone let that happen? But it does... more than a lot of us realize. The price that is often paid to be wealthy is the lifestyle that you have to maintain once you have it.

Recently I was talking to a male friend of mine who has met this amazing girl. The trouble is, they live in different countries - but he's never met anyone like her. I know he likes this girl a lot, so I asked him, "Can you see a future with her?" His response was, "How could I possibly know that?" Haven't you thought about it?

Yet we live in a world where we're expected to put our money into a retirement fund. We're supposed to be planning for a future that isn't even guaranteed. It's easier for us to think of money than it is to think about investing wisely into our future with a person who awakens feelings in our heart. Now don't think that money doesn't provoke feelings... just ask someone who has won heaps of it or who has lost heaps of it or who needs some of it. Money has become more important than love.

People say you can't live on love. Oh I believe you can. What good is it to be stuck alone with bucket loads of money? When you're in love, it doesn't matter where you go or what you do, all that matters is being together.

What if I don't live to 65? Boy, I'll be really ticked off knowing I could have traveled more while I had my health.

If I'm still alone and I have no money in savings at 65 I'll be living with my friend Jen on her lifestyle block working at the honey factory down the road... unless something really terrible happens... then I'll be working with orphans.

But that's assuming I'm going to be an old maid! I hardly think that's possible. I'm gonna be JUST FINE. I just have to not worry.

Atonement

I go through periods of writers block.  I need to take the time to process my thoughts until they make more sense. Sure, I could write about whatever comes into my head (which is what I'm doing now) but often it reflects a time that is clearly what I'd like to call "a growth spurt".

It bothers me when I don't write. I can't seem to formulate words to describe anything that is going through my head. I have a zillion thoughts but not one word.

As always, I think about life - my life - and my purpose. What am I truly doing here? Have the choices I've made been smart ones? Am I living my life to its fullest potential? Am I truly following the path that I'm intended to follow? What is next?  Then I must remind myself to live in the present and stop thinking about the past and trying to predict the future.  I'm getting so much better at being grateful for now.

Last week my dear friend Chalium preached a sermon at church. It was a wonderful sermon... but what really resonated with me was the word "atonement". That's the word I've been searching for. The rest of the sermon (as wonderful as it was) escapes me... but the word atonement repeats over and over in my head.

That's exactly where I am. I'm in atonement.

I went to see the movie, Eat Pray Love last week (and I'm going to see it again tomorrow). I can relate SO much to the main character, Elizabeth. She goes off on a journey to discover herself after realizing that she was in the wrong life. The only major difference is that she found herself after one year... and here I am how many years later? I'm still finding myself.

My life was so restless for so many years. I was SO terribly dissatisfied, unhappy, unsettled. As a result, I couldn't just stop and allow anyone in. Looking back, there were some really wonderful teachers who came into my life who wanted to show me how lovable I truly was. The trouble was, I didn't love myself then. I was a funnel, love came in and just went right out the other end. I didn't even realize it was happening. I had no idea how lucky I was that there was always another wonderful teacher wanting a chance to love me... it was fruitless. I could not open my heart to love no matter how great that love was on offer.

Hindsight is always 20/20. I took love for granted. I thought everyone had offers of love like I had. There always seemed to be opportunities to find love around every corner. I was lovable but I couldn't see it! I was blind and I was spoiled. I was clearly not ready for it.

It was imperative to my personal growth to change my environment... and that's when I came to New Zealand. My experience with love was TOTALLY different here. So the lesson began...

One of the first things I noticed when I got to New Zealand was that I wasn't getting hit on by men. In fact, when I walked down the street I seemed virtually invisible. It was such a strange feeling, I liked it at first. That NEVER happened in Canada. Everywhere I went, men would stare, honk their horn, chat me up at Tim Hortons... but not here in New Zealand.  And it had nothing to do with my age either.  When I went home to Canada I lost my invisibility shield and I was a a walking target for loose flirtation.  My options here in NZ got narrower. Before I knew it, I felt desperate. In the blink of an eye, I forgot how lovable men thought I was, because I never saw it in myself.

So that's when I went from being oblivious to love, to swinging the pendulum all the way to being desperate for love. I love this paragraph from Eat Pray Love, it pretty much sums up who I became when I moved to NZ:

Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that's not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love, I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time - everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.

My "love" experiences in the 8 years I've lived in NZ have not been pleasant. I've had two very bad relationships. One relationship was incredibly controlling and became physically and emotionally abusive after I loaned him a very large sum of money (the abuse started when he claimed the money was a "gift" and he didn't owe me a cent).  In the second relationship I tried to save him from his own toxic life in hopes I could make a difference.  It worked for a while, he gave me complete control of his life (which I never asked for or wanted). Then there were a few "obsessive" love experiences thrown in for good measure. Men who desperately wanted me to love them and I desperately wished I could.  And my all time favourite - the emotionally unavailable men (who I am drawn to like a bee to honey) who happily string me along but have absolutely no ability to love anyone but themselves. I am beginning to wise up and realize that love IS a two way street and that I'm not actually desperate after all. I needed to experience those bad relationships in order to truly appreciate when a good one comes along.

So now comes my period of Atonement... which has been ongoing for more than 2 years... but has really only hit me recently. I have been feeling tremendously guilty for the way I rejected love. I needed to make amends, to acknowledge the hurt I caused and to ask for forgiveness. My recent trip to Canada brought closure to every one of my past relationships. As painful as it was for me to accept, they have all moved on and they are all in happy, solid relationships now. They all have loving long term partners and they all have families. They forgave me a long time ago. I was the one who hadn't been able to forgive myself. I was finally free to move on.

I am such a different person now than the person I was.  These last two years have been especially important in my personal growth. It's been the first time since I was 14 years old that I haven't had a boyfriend. I've been entirely on my own - quite a humbling experience when you aren't used to being alone. In many ways I've really enjoyed it. I love the freedom of my independence. I love not arguing or having power struggles with someone. I love the things I've accomplished on my own.  I have impressed myself with what I can achieve and do.  I have totally and completely fallen in love with the woman I have become. I couldn't say that before. I really didn't like the girl I was.

I went from being a taker, to being a giver (to everyone but me).  Now I'm finding the balance between both by listening to my own needs and giving them freely and generously to myself, no more void to fill for anyone else. I am doing yoga every day and discovering the amazing changes it's made both mentally and physically. I'm saying "no" to others and saying "yes" to myself. I'm putting my needs first for a change.

But I have missed having companionship. I miss sharing all the exciting moments with that one person. I miss having someone around to take care of (cook dinner for, mend shirts, scratch their back) and who is there to take care of me. I miss the physical intimacy. I miss the partnership. I'm afraid that I'll never find that again. But I don't miss it enough to go out with any man who comes along. This time I'm going to be choosy. My greatest mistake was not being choosy enough. If you wanted to love me, I'd take you on board, either to fill the void or because I needed a project.

This blog entry is my most revealing, most vulnerable piece yet. Writing it is a cathartic experience, providing relief from held-in, deep emotional trauma. I know that it's important as part of my letting go. My life has always been an open book, I've written about my childhood, my relationship with Brian, my hysterectomy, my faith experiences, etc.  Writing about my heart should be no different. It's my life and it's here to share with whomever wishes to listen.

I am no longer looking for love. I'm going to stop worrying about whether someone is out there or not, because deep down I know he is and he will appear at just the right time and he will have no trouble loving me despite my quirks.  I will know him because I too will be able to love him easily.  It shouldn't be a struggle.  I love my life just how it is and I'm in no hurry to change it. I am however, open to receiving it if it happens to cross my path - but only if cupid's bow hits both of us in the heart.  No more one sided love! I will recognize it as the real thing and I will cherish it.

Until then, I'm happy to see where life takes me. I may not understand it at the time, but just like my writer's block, there's always a good reason for it to turn out the way it has.