A Day to Remember

Today is Remembrance Day.  It's a day never to forget.  It's a day we wear poppies on our lapels to remember those who fought a hard battle, experienced tremendous loss and because of their courage, freedom was achieved.

I'm going to blog about something many of you don't know about me.  On this day, one year ago on 11/11/11 I got married, at the age of 37 for the first time.

I met my husband just a few short months earlier.  I'd been single for nearly 5 years and was ready to find the right person to settle down with.  When I met him he made me laugh, I hadn't laughed like that in such a long time.  I fell in love easily, but that's what I do.

A month after knowing me, he asked me to marry him.  I said yes without hesitation.  I know that sounds erratic.  I've always been spontaneous. It often works in my favour.  We weren't a couple of kids, we were responsible adults.  Life is too short.  We considered eloping but I wanted to get married in the church so we went to see what dates were available and it just so happened that 11/11/11 at 11am was free.  So we booked it!

It was madness but it was fantastic!  I planned a beautiful but simple wedding in two months.  Everything was booked and organized.  It all just fell into place which is my indicator that it's all meant to be.  My flowers were a simple bouquet of red roses, red gerberas, daisies and pohutukawa blossoms.  I wore a white cotton embroidery anglaise wrap dress and killer red Dorothy heels (to remind me that there's no place like home).  It was very 1950's.  As it was a late morning wedding, we had a simple "high tea" with champagne after the ceremony.  I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day.

I'm not the sort of girl who had big dreams of a wedding.  I'm all about simple and classy.  This wedding was simple, classy and very me.  My fiancee had been married once already so he told me to plan whatever I wanted.  Our families were unable to attend but the church was packed with friends of mine - 120 guests turned up to celebrate the occasion.  Reminding me how blessed I am with such wonderful friendships.

Not long after the wedding, my husband expected me to change.  He kept telling me that I wasn't normal.  Well of course I'm not normal!  I thought that's what he loved about me!  His favourite line was, "I don't know any other wives that behave the way you do."  I took that as a compliment, but that's not how he meant it.  I was very busy with my business, working really hard.  I had just secured the Rugby 7's contract which meant even longer days during the training camps.  I had also decided to study small business management this year.  Being married meant I had some freedom to finally do these things!  I had someone there to support me and take the pressure off.  I  also spend a lot of time writing which he couldn't understand.  He thought I was avoiding him and began to resent my computer.  I kept telling him to relax, that things would settle into "our normal" with time.  He couldn't expect me to drop everything just so I could sit on the sofa and watch TV, surely?  That's not what I do.  We knew that it was going to be a challenge.  Every relationship is about compromise.  We made a commitment to work at it together and I tried to sit on the sofa and watch more TV with him.    

A few months into the marriage, he threatened to walk out if I didn't change.  He felt I was the "man" in the relationship.  He was so insecure, resenting the fact that I was so strong and independent.  He was terrified that he would lose me.  Nothing I could say would reassure him that I wasn't going anywhere.  He became jealous, possessive and suspicious.  He didn't trust me.  The harder he clung, the harder I pulled away.  I was not going to lose myself in this relationship.   But I wasn't worried, I thought he'd come around.  We were married after all.  That gave me false security.  So when he threatened to walk out I told him to be careful what he threatened because I would never chase after him.  I will never play that game again.  I want a marriage of freedom.  If he needs to get away, he's welcome to go.  Get out.  Go fishing for a week.  Spend time with the boys.  Do something that makes you happy.

He said I was the only thing he wanted.  He couldn't understand why I didn't want to make him happy.  If he wasn't happy with me then he said he'd never be happy. 

Oh dear.  We have a problem.

I tried to explain to him that I couldn't be the source of his happiness, just as I would never ask him to be the source of my happiness.  He just didn't get it.  I understood where he was coming from because I was once just like him, many many years ago.  My insecurity was deep within and there was no one going to rescue me but myself.

After a silly argument, he threw a tantrum, packed his bag and walked out.  As he walked away I said, "I'm not some girlfriend you can just walk away from, we are married, I am your wife! You have responsibilities here."  His reply was, "It's just a piece of paper."  It was like a knife in my heart.  I was totally deflated.  Marriage was my virginity and he took it so callously.  We were married for 5 short months.  Two weeks later he came to pick up the rest of his stuff.  That was it.  I was very confused and deeply hurt. One of the issues he had was the fact that I had male friends.  I had an old friend come to New Zealand for the Rugby World Cup with his rugby buddy. He wouldn't let me open up our home to them so that they didn't have to stay in a hotel.  I felt terrible about that.  Then he forbade me to take them to the public hot pools.  He said that married women didn't go to the hot pools with other guys. A part of me can understand where he was coming from, but these guys were married.  They were here on holiday.  What did he think was going to happen?  We don't live in the 1950's!  In the end I didn't go, but I was pretty pissed off about it.  He didn't trust me.  This was a control issue.  He was jealous of my female friends, my clients, the Rugby 7's players... he wanted me to stop working and spend more time relaxing, making him sandwiches and cups of tea.  Maybe that's what a lot of women dream of, but that wasn't me.  I thrive on my relationships with other people.  He made me feel really guilty about that by saying I wasn't "normal".

When he came to collect his things he asked me one more time if I still thought it was okay to go to the hot pools with my male friends.  He just couldn't let it go.  I looked at him straight in the eyes and said, "Yes, I think it's perfectly normal to go to the hot pools with my male friends."  To which he replied, "Well I'm sorry Trace, but this marriage is never going to work."  And right then I knew in my heart he was right.

I was about to leave for a month away on the Ashram to do my yoga teacher training.  I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to afford to do the training and pay the rent.  I had just enough in the bank to cover it.  I knew that getting away for a month would be the best thing I could do while the dust settled.  I found a house sitter to stay in the house and feed the cat.  My husband wasn't even courteous enough to offer to help.  If you read my blog ( The Beautiful Truth June 2012) about my experience, it will help you understand why I was so affected by the yoga.  I wasn't ready to talk about it then.  I was filled with anger, disappointment and shame.  I felt like a failure and I was afraid of what everyone was going to think.  "There must be something wrong with that girl, she can't even keep a man."  The reality is, I'm not choosy enough when it comes to matters of the heart. I know I can be quite naive, always thinking the best of people and trusting so easily.  That's one of the qualities I love about myself.  I just need to learn to discern, count to 10 slowly and breathe, before I jump.  I wonder if I can do that. 

I'm over it now.  It's been a year of introspection.  I'm usually so "out there" but this year I've spent more time in meditation and reflection. I've searched for the lessons and come to the conclusion that it wasn't all my fault.  There are two sides to the story.  I am not perfect and I know that I'm incredibly strong and independent which is intimidating and a bit scary.  I can be aloof at times, particularly when I feel I'm being manipulated.  But I also know that I am a good person with a huge heart.  I deserve to be the centre of my world and I deserve to be with someone who lets me.  I would do the same for him.

I haven't heard from him or seen him since.  That was in April 2012.  I think he still lives in the same town but I've never crossed paths with him.  It's very weird.  I'm married to a guy I don't know.

" Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take. " Anthony Robbins

So what lesson have I learned out of this?  When I met him I was so ready to settle down.  I thought that I would feel more secure, that life would be better if I had someone to share it with.  I believed that I was flawed because I was nearing 40 and had never married.  I was afraid of what people thought.  I was afraid of what I thought!  I can judge myself pretty harshly.  That's the Virgo in me.

Some of my beautiful girlfriends - my angels.

The fact is, life is what you make of it, single or not.  I have an amazing life and I'm not going to compromise it because of someone else's fears and insecurities.  I'd love to share my life with someone but he has to be someone who is strong and secure and knows who he is and where he is in life.  I want someone who is proud of the person I am - with lots of friends both male and female.  I'm a people magnet.  I can't change that.  It makes me, ME.  I really really like who I am.  I don't need to change.  I've worked bloody hard to get where I am.  Any guy would be lucky to have me.  But I'm also perfectly happy in my own company.  Being single is under-rated.  Saying that, I don't want to be single forever but if I am, c'est la vie. I have so many friends, I'll never be alone.

I am grateful that my husband (so weird saying that) left sooner rather than later.  It could have been so much worse.  The emotional and financial entanglement is enough to make people stay in unhappy relationships.  Some people have called me stubborn, they can't understand how I could just let him leave.  This is where life lessons come into play.  I've stayed in relationships that weren't working to save face because I was afraid to admit I made a mistake.  I was smart enough to recognize that this was over.  The worst part of this whole fiasco was the humiliation of having to tell people that he left.  I cannot believe I've had a Hollywood marriage!  But as my friends who know me and love me say, "You were always destined for Hollywood Trace."  I discovered who my true friends were.  I was amazed by the unconditional love and support they provided.  The people who loved me didn't judge me, so why should I?  We all make mistakes.  Some more publicly than others.

For my birthday this year I had my Astrological Birth Chart done.  This is where you can get a very clear picture of your life and your purpose by a scientific and mathematical charting of the exact moment you were born in relation to the planets as well as the Sun and Moon.  It was very cool.  I wish I'd had it done a long time ago!  I won't get into detail now, but one of the things that my astrologer picked up was that I was in a long, boring, traditional marriage in a past life.  She said that my birth chart shows that I am going to have a major karmic breakthrough in this life in relation to that experience.  She said that I will cross paths with that husband and we will marry in this lifetime but it will be a short marriage because it needed to END.  Once I had that experience I would be completely free of that karmic conditioning.  I must note, this is the first time I'd ever met this woman.

My jaw dropped. Once again proving that things happen for a reason.  So I'm celebrating freedom today.  I'm celebrating the freedom to be myself.  It's Remembrance Day - the perfect day to remember that I don't need someone else to complete me. This is a personal battle I finally won.

Kitty Karma

My blog has hit 15,000 readers!

Today I'm going to share a story with you about my new little kitty I call Karma.

Mac the Guard Cat

A few months ago this adorable little cat started coming around.  He is so full of personality and love, he's irresistible.  He made himself quite at home, helping himself to food and scratching our big cat post and napping all day in the dining room.

The amazing thing was how my other cat Mac allowed this.  Mac is a very territorial cat and he hates other animals... period.  Mac can be jealous when I show attention to someone or something else.  But for some reason, he tolerated this little grey cat.

I assumed the kitty had a home because he was so cute but noticed he hadn't been neutered.  When I came home from my trip to Niue, the kitty turned up at the back door and I instantly knew something was very wrong.  He had black oily stuff coming out of his nose and he had sores all around his mouth.  I scooped him up, brought him inside and gave him a bath.  He was so happy to be looked after, he let me bath him without fussing or squirming.  I put him down in front of the fire to dry off and he fell asleep.

Kitty after his bath, happy to be loved.

The following morning I woke up to find him foaming at the mouth.  His mouth was really sore, he struggled to eat and he was in a lot of pain.  So I took him to the vet who discovered his mouth was one big ulcer and  his tongue was raw.  He suspected Feline Immunodeficiency Virus (aka cat HIV) which is highly contagious.  He gave me the option of antibiotics or to euthanize.

I burst into tears.  This sweet little face was looking up at me saying, "Help me".  I didn't want another cat.  I had to find out who owned him.  So I paid the vet, and brought the kitty and the antibiotics home thinking I was the biggest sucker in the world.  This isn't the first cat I've taken to the vet for other irresponsible pet owners.

I called the Tauranga SPCA to tell them what was happening.  I was really surprised and disappointed with the apathy from the woman on the phone.  She asked me if I'd been feeding the cat.  I said, well he's been helping himself to the food, so yes.  She said, as far as they were concerned, he belonged to me and they would not get involved.  I said, "But what if there's a whole family of them living under someone's house?" to which she replied, "That is the reality of strays."  So WHAT does the SPCA do then?  She was not helpful at all.  I requested a collar, which she agreed to post out to me.  It had a tag on it saying, "If this cat belongs to you, please call me... and my number."

The kitty started to get better but every night at 7pm he'd go out and I wouldn't see him again until the next day.  I had no idea where he was going.  Finally I got a call from a young girl asking if I put a collar on her cat.  OH THANK GOODNESS!  I asked her if she had any idea that her cat is sick.  She said she hardly sees him, to which I said, "That's because he's always at my house!"  I told her that I'd taken  him to the vet because he's been VERY sick, I'm giving him a course of antibiotics and he was almost euthanized.  She didn't know what to say except that she was trying to find a home for him and his sister.  She just moved in with her mother after she split from her partner.  She has a toddler and her mother doesn't want the cats in the house.

In his basket in my clinic, happy to be wanted.

She didn't sound like a bad person.  I agreed to share custody of the kitty since he was living at my place most of the time.  I absorbed the vet costs but asked her to pay to have him neutered.  I found a charity called Kitty Cat Fixers who help people get their animals spayed or neutered.  Of course there was still the issue of the FIV - I did a lot of research.  Some cats can live relatively normal lives with the virus.  You just need to be very attentive and keep them away from other cats to prevent fights.  Very tricky with old scrapper Mac but it was a risk I was prepared to take.

I made arrangements with Jan at Kitty Cat Fixers to go ahead and get him neutered.  This young girl was just not taking responsibility and I wanted to stop him from roaming and impregnating any female cats.  It's spring and they're all in heat.  I also paid to have the blood work done to confirm whether or not he had FIV.  I was over the moon when the test came back negative for FIV!  I asked the vet how that was possible.  They said that the test would only come back as a false positive.   There was a possibility he'd been poisoned or somehow stuck his head into oil.  Who knows!

Taking over Mac's scratching post

I named him Karma.  He is now in my full time custody.  He has no desire to go back to his old home.  His sister hangs around in my garden too but she's much more timid.  One day I picked her up and discovered that she was pregnant.  I was furious!  I called the girl who still owns her and said, "Do you realize that your cat is now pregnant?"  She asked how I knew.  I had a long talk to her about the responsibilities of pet ownership and how important it is to have them fixed.  She said she didn't think it was so important to get the boys fixed because they can't get pregnant!  OMG.  I explained to her that it's actually less expensive to get the males neutered and it's a much simpler procedure.  She's not a horrible person, just ignorant.  Some people don't know how to look after animals.

I called Jan at Kitty Cat Fixers and put her in touch with this girl directly.  Together they managed to get the little female in to have an abortion and to get spayed.  Jan is a legend.   So if you want to donate to this great charity, you can find the info on her website.  Jan does this out of love for the animals.  She volunteers her free time to clean out the cages and to visit the unwanted pets at the SPCA.  She knows people who foster cats when the SPCA won't take them.  There's such a big problem  My heart goes out to the ones who no one wants to love.

Sleeping in his spot ALL DAY with a big smile on his face.  He knows a good thing when he sees it.

We can do our bit to control unwanted pets.  I hate to imagine where Karma would be if I hadn't rescued him.  He has brought so much joy and happiness into the house.  Even Mac has become more playful.

He's a real housecat.  He sleeps close by me in my work space and he follows me everywhere.  I'm his mother.  He's very sweet and affectionate and he has the most wonderfully smiley eyes.  He emits love.

They say cats choose their owner.  This house clearly needed a little Happy Karma.   Meow.

The Concept of Halloween

Hilly & Billy

Native girl

Halloween came and went barely noticeable.  I was at a business meeting in fact, so there were no bowls of candy waiting for the one or two trick or treaters I normally get.  Gradually things are changing here as more and more North Americans and Europeans immigrate.

It was once my favourite holiday.  I had a huge collection of costumes.  But as the years pass, living in New Zealand, the novelty has started to wear off.  Maybe it's age but I truly believe that if I was still living in Canada, I'd be dressing up and cancelling all business plans to hand out candy to cute kids threatening to trick if I don't treat.  Awwww.

As you can see by my photos, I was really good at dressing up.  I had some pretty cool costumes.  These are just a small percentage of the costumes I've worn.  I could do a whole collage of costumes!  Maybe I'll do that next year.

I was admiring my Canadian friends photos on Facebook today, they are all still very much into the Halloween costume thing which makes me feel incredibly proud.

Saying that, I am beginning to think that Halloween needs to change.  These are some key factors which make me think Halloween isn't necessary and why I disagree with it coming to New Zealand.

Wellington 7's

Wellington 7's

Wellington 7's

Wellington 7's

1.  Kiwis love to dress up any time of the year.  The parties are often "fancy dress" which doesn't mean wear a fancy dress... it means wear a costume!  There have been a number of Canadians turn up to fancy dress parties wearing cocktail dresses.  Ooops.  Often the parties are themed (ie. Things beginning with the letter "T" or recently I knew someone who had a Pulp Fiction party) so you can't just have one token costume - you need to put some thought and effort into it. 

Wellington Rugby 7's

Wellington Rugby 7's

2.  New Zealand has Rugby 7's.  If you've ever seen a Rugby 7's game, it's all about the costumes.  I went to the Wellington Sevens a few years ago and let me just say - a lot of the people in the crowd are there to dress up and see what everyone else is wearing.  The rugby is awesome but it's secondary for most.

3.  We're heading into summer down here - which means long days and warm temperatures.  It just isn't right celebrating a spooky holiday when the sun is beaming.  It's not even pumpkin season for heaven's sake!

4.  It is not part of the Kiwi culture, so why are we shoving it in their face?   Kiwis celebrate Guy Fawkes - a guy who set fire to Parliament.  They light firecrackers (which are illegal in most countries) and celebrate blowing shit up.  Embrace that!

5.  Kiwis don't understand the whole "trick or treat" thing.  I had a lady in for a massage today complaining about a 5 year old who knocked at her door last night saying "Trick or Treat".  My client asked the little girl to do a trick before she handed her the "lollies" (as they call them here).  The little girl bluntly said, "you're supposed to give me lollies."  No one gets it.  So then what's the point?

Disco Babes

When I was a kid, trick or treating was all about the strategy of getting as much candy as possible because we just didn't GET candy throughout the year.  I had to make my Halloween candy last for a whole year!  By the end of year I recall desperately chewing on those molasses candies just to get a sugar fix.  I had to hide my candy from my brother because he'd eat all the good stuff when I was sleeping.

Hillbilly family photo

 Halloween was also about getting out and socializing with your neighbourhood.  What a GREAT way to know who was in the neighbourhood, for both the kids and the adults.  For the adults, it was a way to see how much the kids were growing up.  For the kids, it was a great way to figure out which houses were safe and which ones weren't kid friendly.  This was back in the day when we all roamed freely and our parents didn't know where we were!  Those were the days.

It's not trick FOR treat... it's trick OR treat.  That basically meant, "gimme a treat or I'll play a trick".  I know that sounds threatening but it was in keeping with the whole neighbourly theme.  If a house didn't turn it's lights on and didn't hand out candy, they were likely to be toilet papered.  Now that was a lot of fun!  Today, toilet paper is too expensive and it would be wasteful.

At the Hillbilly Hoe-down

Madonna & Howard Stern

Frankly, I don't see the point to trick or treating any more.  We did it out of necessity.  Now it's just begging.  I can understand why the elderly client I had was annoyed by the rudeness of that 5 year old.  She was demanding candy and didn't understand why it should be given to her.  Kids today already get enough sweets, they don't have the same hard up desire to walk for miles to collect candy to support their habit because their habit is supported by their co-dependent parents.  Now kids are driven trick or treating!  DRIVEN from house to house to beg for candy that their parents eat half of (and tell the kids that it wasn't wrapped properly so it wasn't "safe" - you know you do it).

Random use of figure skating costumes

Super Social Butterfly

I think we need more "fancy dress" parties instead.  Going to a fancy dress party allows you to let loose and get into a character.  It's a great way to break the ice and start conversation.  This is why we love to dress up.  It allows us to put on a social mask and let down our personal insecurities and barriers.

My personal favourite costume of all time was my "Super Social Butterfly" hero costume.  I love dressing up for any occasion.  Loved... past tense.  I love how Canadians get into Halloween - I do miss it.