Hello???

Is anyone out there reading this? If so, why hasn't anyone left a comment for me regarding my upcoming name change (see "Tracy Pumpernickle")?? The problem with having a blog is not knowing who is reading this unless people leave me a comment when they check in. If this sounds like you... it's time to click on the "comment" link at the bottom of one of my entries and say hello! I am feeling a bit neglected. This means all of you... any of you... strangers... family... friends... Mrs. P's rellies... it excludes no one. Plus, what do you think of my new blog template? An IT friend of mine says it's a bit more confusing... what do you think?

It is certainly a weird spring season. The sun shines in the morning but by lunch time it's blustering and you aren't sure if it's going to rain or not. By late afternoon it sounds like a hurricane! The temperature is warm, but the wind is cool. You just never know what to wear.

It's just a month away from the wedding. I've gotten news from my family in Canada that no one will be attending. Ah well, I can't be too disappointed. It's a long way to go and it's the most expensive time of the year to travel. My family has never been able to turn up to any of my "milestones"... so I've always been on my own. If it's not convenient... it won't happen. That's why I've been on my own since the age of 16. But the wedding was beginning to feel as though it was getting bigger than I wanted - as I planned for my family to come. Now that they aren't going to be here, I can relax and enjoy the day without trying to live up to family expectations. I put far too much pressure on myself when they are involved. I love them dearly, but for some reason I'm not able to be myself with them. I feel scrutinized and judged. But enough of that psychobabble... my therapist has heard it all.

I am quite comfortable with my little family here - Brian, Natalya, Chantelle, Bubba and Mrs. P. At the moment Brian is working long hours so I'm feeling a bit like a single parent - but that's a sacrifice you make when you have a family. He is driving diggers and bulldozers again - a job he just loves! He leaves at 4:30am and is home by 7:00 - 8:00pm. It's crazy, we don't see him all week.

Being a single parent isn't easy. I don't know how my mom did it with five children!!! Times were different then - and I actually don't remember her being home much. She worked and we ran amuck. We were wild children with no rules. It's amazing that we all turned out so well actually. Not one of us went to prison once! Of my two, Chantelle is the wild card. She's a tough nut and very difficult to figure out. Natalya is emotional and has a conscience. She is the "tattletale" of the two... the "goody-two-shoes". Channy is quiet but she is full of mischief. She loves to irritate her sister, she is sneaky and she plays "sweet". I don't know what to think of that girl. She shows no emotion when she gets in trouble (Natalya cries and runs off to her bed)... but Channy just gives a blank stare (and lately adds a little smirk). OOOOOOHHHHHHH! Parenting is hard sometimes!

Some friends of mine are starting to think about having babies... in their early 30's. I feel so blessed because I have these two great girls (despite the above mentioned issues) who are halfway there... just a few more hard years left. I think age 8 is the worst year - before that they are still really cute (you hope). I've been told that they mellow out between 9-12 and then it gets bad again at 13. Fabulous. But still, the thought of starting from scratch now is exhausting! Brian and I will be in our early 40's by the time the girls are independent... so we'll be young empty nesters! I can hardly wait!!! I couldn't imagine doing this in my 40's. I'd have a heart attack - no question.

I love the girls - don't get me wrong. There are so many reasons I feel so lucky to have them in my life. They add richness and substance to an otherwise selfish world... and Christmas all of a sudden has meaning again. There is nothing more magical than living with a child who still believes in the magic of Santa Claus and the tooth fairy (Chantelle is the sort of child who pulls her teeth out just to get money from the tooth fairy!). I can't wait to tell her about this when she's an adult.

Children - they're a worry... but they are wonderful.

*** This blog entry was written whilst drinking a glass of red wine - I'm a very cheap date and can't handle much alcohol in my system so I feel a bit tiddly. If this entry sounds like a load of rubbish - it likely is. I'm in my fuzzy over analytical place. ***

Virtual Reality Check

I was out at the school yesterday for a kiddie function and guess who I met? Madonna! Her kids are apparently attending the school for the season. She seemed very lonely and when we were chatting, she gave me her telephone number and asked if I'd like to go over. Frankly, she seemed a bit "needy" but was much nicer than you'd think. She was just like a normal mother.

Later that afternoon I turned up at her place. It was very nice and there were lots of plush pillows everywhere - on the floors, on the sofas... all in pinks and purples and oranges. The kids played while Madonna and I chatted. She was very nice to talk to but I kept thinking how lonely she seemed. Her daughter Lordes was a lovely sweet girl but Rocco was a bit of a handful. The newest addition, David was nowhere to be seen.

At one point Guy turned up, popped his head in the door and made some sarcastic remark. I don't think they're getting along. Madonna had a few smart words with him and he was off... probably to make a movie. He seemed very snobby and didn't even say hello to me.

When it was time to go, Madonna didn't seem to want me to leave. I assured her that I would see her sometime next week. Maybe the kids can get together and we'll all go to the beach this weekend.

So now I am apparently Madonna's new best friend. I'm flattered and honoured - but I really don't know if I'll have much time to devote to this friendship. I'm quite busy looking after Mrs. P.

I wonder if I'll dream about her again tomorrow? I'm living life in the subconscious REM mind now. It's kinda like a "virtual world". Am I sad? Or sick? Or maybe just need a holiday?

Tracy Pumpernickle?

The wedding date is fast approaching. I haven't been focused on the wedding much this past month - and it's crept up on me. I have a few decisions to make... one of them happens to be the name I choose to live with for the rest of my life.

This is the chance to have your say, make a comment, leave your message. I would like anyone out there who is reading this blog (EVERY ONE OF YOU!) to leave your opinion. It will let me know who's actually reading my ramblings...

As you know, my name is Tracy Pepper. That's the name I am known by and the name I've grown up with... but it's more complicated than that. My mother is Brenda Temple and my father is Roger Gagnon. The name on my birth certificate is, "Tracy Lyn Joy Temple Gagnon". My parents were hippies.

So how did I get Pepper? Well my brothers and sisters are all Peppers. My mom married Don Pepper and had 4 children before they split up. I was a love child of the 70's... and my parents never married. So growing up, I was a member of the Pepper household. It was never an issue until I applied for my driver's licence and Social Security Number. Legally I am Tracy Gagnon. Mentally I am Tracy Pepper.

I've had an identity crisis my whole entire life! I've been waiting to get married so that I could start fresh. If I knew I wouldn't marry until the age of 32... I think I would have legally changed it years ago.

So I am about to get married and the time has come to make a decision. I am thinking about keeping my professional name Tracy Pepper - since it's on all of my professional documents and diplomas. So... should I just stay Tracy Pepper??? I can just get it legally changed. Brian won't change his name - I've already asked... "Honey, wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?"

Other options are:

Tracy Lyn Joy Nicoll

or

Tracy Lyn Joy Pepper Nicoll

Tracy Pepper Nicoll has a ring to it. It kinda sounds like "Pumpernickle". Is that too weird?

I just don't know if I can imagine not being Tracy Pepper. All of my friends actually call me Tracy Pepper... never just Tracy. It's a great name. Tracy Nicoll is okay too... but it's not Tracy Pepper. If I go with Tracy Pepper Nicoll, then I can use "Nicoll" for personal stuff but I'd still have "Pepper" for legal and professional stuff.

For those of you who are married... I would like to know.... what's the benefit of changing your name? What are the drawbacks? Does it make the relationship stronger? Is it simply easier for the kids? Do you feel as though you've lost your identity? People who have married more than once change their name each time... what is that like? You're known as one person for 20 some odd years, then another for another 10-15 years, then another... what does that do to one's identity? I have SO many questions!!!!

So I'd like to know what you all think. Pepper... Nicoll... or Pepper Nicoll?

So Decadent!

I am thrilled to report that I just may have found heaven in a box! Believe it or not, but one of the many things I miss about Canada has been my favourite cookie - President's Choice Decadent Chocolate Chip Cookies.

My sister sent me a packet in September but I haven't opened them - until today... I couldn't bear the thought of eating them (I can't just eat one) and have no more... so I hoard.

But the other day while I was out shopping, I spotted a nice looking box of Chocolate Chip cookies at K-mart. I was intrigued, as the cookie in the photo looked very familiar. Upon closer inspection I saw that it was also called "Australia's Choice Decadent Triple Chocolate Chip Cookie"... hmmmm, so I bought a box for further investigation. I was very sceptical.

My findings are incredible - better than expected! Mrs. P and I have now devoured two boxes of this "imposter" cookie. Very dangerous so close to the wedding... but I can't just eat one or two... I must consume an entire row of cookies before I can close the box! Why, oh why, did I have to conduct this investigation?

The evidence is conclusive - this is practically the same product! Except, dare I even say it, I think the Australia's Choice cookies may be BETTER! They have the triple chocolate chip factor going for them. But honestly, when I did a blind taste test (and I conducted many just to be sure) I really couldn't tell the difference between the two (except for the fact that the ones my sister sent from home are a little stale and crumbly from the trip over).

It's a wonderful day. Mrs. P loves these cookies and I can get her to eat three at a time!!! Unfortunately I eat the rest. I'm so glad I got a corset for the wedding... I'll need the extra support!

The one on the left is Canadian, the one on the right is Australian.

Miracles and Springtime

**** I have a Bubba update... he has miraculously pulled through! I'm not sure what has changed his condition - I wormed him, he is still getting antibiotics for the Haemobartonella Felis everyday, and his insulin dosage twice a day. Last week he finally perked up, his appetite returned and he just "plumped up". It seems he's out of the woods! He's talking again, and his personality is definitely back - a sign that he isn't feeling sick anymore. He still lays around a lot - in strange places (like the damp grass or the in the photo above, he enjoys laying on top of his catnip plant) but I think he may be losing sensation in his hind legs (a symptom of diabetes). He doesn't seem to like walking - so I have to carry him to his food. When he finishes, he "trots" to either his favourite spot on the grass or to his basket in the corner of the spare bedroom. The last few nights he has started to sleep on my pillow with me again - another good sign. But he doesn't walk... he "trots". Has anyone heard of this? ****

The weather has been so unpredictable - typical New Zealand weather. You wake up in the morning with the sun shining, blue sky... so you get dressed wearing three quarter pants and t-shirt... and when you go outside, the weather has turned cold and overcast... so you quickly change into long pants and a sweater... and an hour later it's hot and sunny again.. but it won't last...

This is Spring in New Zealand.

Mrs. P has a new carer to help share the load with me. She started this past weekend - her name is Tracy too! So that's what we call her "Tracy 2". I really like her and I think it's good for Mrs. P to have a fresh face around. It breaks up the routine a little and brings in some fresh conversation. It also gives me some time away - so that I have more to offer when I come back. I have to admit, it will be really nice to have some time on the weekend off - to actually get away to do something and not worry about rushing back.

Tracy 2 is in her early 40's (I think) and she has a 14 year old son named Nathaniel. She is originally from the U.K. and has been here in NZ for quite a while. She has a nice demeanor and friendly disposition. She is friendly and good to talk to. I think she is a good choice and I'm looking forward to knowing her better and including her in "the family". This is a family working environment and it's important that we all get along and have open communication. Mrs. P is quite capable so she really doesn't need us to treat her like an invalid - we treat her like she is our own grandmother. I don't think she would have it any other way. I certainly wouldn't either.

Haemobartonella Felis

My love, the true love of my life, my best friend and companion - Bubba - is sick. He just turned 16 in September, and I've just turned 32 in August which means I've had him for HALF OF MY LIFE! Bubba has lived a very exciting life for a cat (but if you asked him I'm sure he'd rather be an ordinary cat living in one home for 16 years). We have lived in 14 different homes in 16 years - he's lived all over Ontario, was flown to Boston for a few months, and got on a long flight all by himself to New Zealand - even stopping in Vancouver and Hawaii for a couple of days! He is a very worldly cat and speaks multiple cat languages.


I can't help but feel guilty though. Sometimes I wish I could have provided Bubba with a stable home. The long flight to New Zealand was stressful and he developed Feline Diabetes shortly afterward. He nearly died from Ketoacidosis. I was broke and homeless in a new country but I couldn't let him die... so I got out the credit card and told the vets to do whatever they needed to do. There were no guarantees that he'd live... but he did. I've never regretted my decision. That was a year and nine months ago. All of the articles I've been reading about Diabetes in cats says that the average cat lives to the age of 12-14 and a cat with diabetes lives an average of two years on proper treatment. So I suppose Bubba's done pretty well.


Since we've come to New Zealand, Bubba has been attacked by a few wild cats. He's fought back but has had a few nasty abcesses as a result. This is how I think he contracted the Haemobartonella Felis. It's also known as Feline Infectious Anaemia. It's caused by a parasite destroying his red blood cells. It is quite serious and could lead to his ultimate demise. We're treating it with antibiotics but he has become quite weak and anorexic. My big fat Bubba cat is now Fat Boy Slim.


I'm in denial... clearly. I think that he'll pull through this and fatten up and be Bubba again. His personality is still the same - he's a momma's boy and wants to be carried around like a baby. I can tell that he wants to be strong and follow me around - instead he follows me with his eyes - with that longing look saying "pick me up Mommy".


This is a tough one. Haemobartonella Felis can be treated - but it's quite aggressive treatment and costly. We've already been down that road with the Diabetes. I've already spent a small fortune on getting a diagnosis. How much can I try to prolong his life? Is it worth the stress it will cause him? Besides, the treatment will be much more complicated because of Bubba's Diabetes. It may make him sicker. It's tricky also because the symptoms Bubba is displaying could also be caused by the Diabetes advancing. It really is difficult to say which problem is causing his lethargy. You can see the shaved patches from all the blood work he's had done in the photo above. At this rate, he'll never be suitable for a rug or handbag as planned!


But it's so hard watching him fade away and not do anything when I know I could choose to do more. I wonder how he feels? Somehow I just don't think he's ready to die. I know I'm not ready to let him go. He is fading so fast... two weeks ago he was normal old Bubba... the king of the cats... the pride of the household... and the talk of the town. He's the most popular cat I've known. And he's MY BUBBA.

Just look at that face

Grandaddy Crayfish

Last week Brian went fishing. There were no fish to be caught so he threw on some dive gear and decided to have a look for some ocean creatures. It was the fishing derby at the fishing club and Brian was certainly not going to return empty handed! So he hunted and hunted... like a good hunter does... and look what he came up with!!! He found a cave but his tank wouldn't fit so what does he do? He took his tank off, swam in, put the tank back on, and saw that he was in Crayfish heaven! Apparently there was a bigger one but he could not get at it. This photo really doesn't do it justice. Regardless, it was the biggest cray brought in - and he's leading for the trophy! He came home at 10pm after celebrating... drunk... and wanted to cook him... but we didn't have a pot big enough and the Grandaddy Crayfish was showing no signs of dying - he was a fighter! I thought he was far too beautiful to kill and convinced (actually TOLD) Brian that he had to let him go. Brian was gutted... but he and I walked down to the beach together and gave Grandaddy Crayfish a second chance. I sure hope he found a suitable home... and that he's still out there somewhere. Brian is sure that he has found his way home by now. That's a nice thought.

He woke the kids up to show them "daddy's big cray"

Guy Fawkes Who?

Well here's a tradition we don't hear much of in Canada... it's called Guy Fawkes Day and it is celebrated on November 5. If you ask me, it's a strange thing to celebrate. This fellow "Guy Fawkes" tried to blow up parliament in 1605... and was unsuccessful. So what to do?? Make a holiday about it! I've just Googled it and discovered that it is celebrated in Newfoundland - who knew? Bloody Newfies... it's no surprise... any reason to drink and blow things up.

Mrs. P's son Phil stepped in to give me a much needed night off so that Brian and I could take the girls to the Speedway at Blue Chip Stadium. Our friends Rob and Sharyn came out too. The girls had never been in such a crowd of people and Chantelle's eyes were wide and her mouth open just about the whole night!

We had a blast, watching the different car rallies. There was mud flying and even the occasional crash! Afterward we got to enjoy the magnificent fireworks display to celebrate Guy Fawkes. We had a really great family night - thank you Phil.

My routine at the Pod

I'm posting my schedule online for those of you who would like to know what my job consists of. A number of my friends back home in Canada are fascinated with Mrs. P and want to know how my culinary skills are getting on. You'll be pleased to know that almost a year after starting this job... I have gotten the hang of cooking quite appetizing pureed meals! If I could have a baby - he'd get the best homecooked gourmet baby foods!

This is how my day unfolds:

6am - Brian is up for work

7am - I crawl out of bed and Brian makes me something to eat and has a cuppa coffee waiting (well... sometimes).

7-7:30 - I take Mrs. P the newspaper and make her a cuppa tea and bread with butter and honey. She reads the paper in bed. I go back downstairs to get the girls organized for school. They leave at 8:30 on their bikes, if it's raining I drive them.

8-8:30 - I make Mrs. P's porridge - smooth, no lumps with a dollop of stewed prunes on top (homemade of course) and serve it to her in bed. Then I either vacuum, dust or tidy up. Sometimes I have a shower - sometimes I wait until my break after lunch.

9-9:30am - Help Mrs. P with her shower. She needs very little help but I wash her feet and her hair when she does it. I make her bed (or strip it). This is really "our" time. It's the best part of my day. We chat about personal things - it's a very intimate ritual. I ALWAYS make sure to moisturize Mrs. P's entire body. I'm very proud of the fact that her skin glows and feels so soft... for a woman of her age. I take great care of her feet as well. When I first came on the scene, she had a number of overgrown toenails and a few fungal infections under the nail bed. I have reversed all of that. She has the most gorgeous feet... and I tell her that everyday!

10-10:20 - I put on a load of laundry, Mrs. P does her hair and face. Sometimes I run downstairs to hang out washing. When that's finished I make us both a cuppa tea and a biscuit (cookie). We watch the workers across the street and talk about what they are doing or we watch the ships come and go or we talk about anything exciting in the newspapers. This would also be the time I'd do Mrs. P's nails.

I use this time to do things that I have to do - like tidy up downstairs, sweep the deck, go out to run some errands occasionally or update my blog. This would also be the time we would go to the bank or a make a doctor's appointment if we needed.

11:30am - I ask Mrs. P what she would like for lunch. It depends on the weather or how hungry she feels. Today I made her mashed kumara (sweet potato), pureed spinach and pumpkin and topside mince (ground beef) with sauteed onions in an onion gravy. It was very successful and she ate most of it! I'm not always so lucky.

12pm - Mrs. P watches the news at noon while I prepare lunch.

12:30-1pm - I serve Mrs. P her lunch and sit with her while she eats it.

I have a break between 1:30pm-4pm but this varies from time to time (sometimes Mrs. P lets me go at 1pm and sometimes I'm up here until 2:30). Sometimes I don't take a break - such as the day I took Mrs. P to Fashion Island. More often than not, she will have visitors at this time.

Sometimes I am exhausted and I have a nap until the girls come home at 3:30.

3:30pm - Girls are home from school - pandemonium! Bags everywhere, loud voices, food, food, food, starving, starving, starving!!!

4pm - Cuppa tea time! Mrs. P likes to have a piece of cake or a ginger kiss. I'll also try to sneak in a chocolate calcium snack - but she loves her cake! The girls will often come upstairs to visit Mrs. P (and to have cake too) and I'll help with homework.

The afternoon is much less regimented and more relaxed. I can spend more time downstairs (and I have to because the girls would make a bloody mess if I didn't!).

5:30 - Brian's home! He comes upstairs to tell Mrs. P about his day. He usually gets her a glass of wine and has a beer with her. She enjoys his company - and it's a nice break for me.

6pm - Evening news. Brian or I start dinner (usually Brian - he's a great cook). The girls have a shower and get into their jammies.

6:30pm - I ask Mrs. P what she'd like for supper. Usually she wants something light - pumpkin soup, mashed banana with custard, etc.

7pm - Mrs. P is served dinner and I go downstairs to eat mine with the family.

8pm - Kids go to bed and I come upstairs.

8:30-9pm - I help Mrs. P to bed.

9:30-10:30pm - ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

That's a typical day here in the pod. Of course it varies according to who's around and which family members are in town. Sometimes a family member will offer to do lunch or dinner - which is WONDERFUL! But Mrs. P's digestive system is so sensitive and she is very fussy about food that it's really difficult to please her. It's a crap shoot. Sometimes she'll eat something and LOVE it... and if you give it to her another day it may set off her reflux! She gets a nutritional supplement beverage everyday which has all of the necessary vitamins and minerals that she needs - so really, food is a bonus. She hates food. It's such a bother for her to eat. She doesn't want to offend anyone who brings her food - so she may hide things in a napkin and throw it away. So the family members who tell me how much she LOVED something they gave her - you should check her napkin first!

I've also discovered that consistency is key. People have been very sweet, offering all sorts of great advice and fantastic recipes to try - but the less experimentation the better. I've learned to do what works - and I stick to it. If she has a bout of reflux - she is afraid to eat for days afterward. It's just not worth it. So, her diet may be terribly boring, but it's working. I try to keep it as varied as possible but it doesn't change much from week to week.
I do the morning routine 7 days a week. At the moment I have two women who relieve me for Monday afternoon from 4-9pm and Tuesday afternoon from 1-9pm. I'd rather have Fridays and Sundays off but it's difficult finding carers who are available those days. Friday nights Brian and I enjoy going dancing and Sundays would be good days for the family. But for now we accept what we've got and we are grateful. At least we are here at the beach - it's not such a terrible spot to be. We adapt. On the weekends, Brian may spend more time upstairs with Mrs. P which gives me a break anyway.

The hours are definitely long - and the job doesn't allow us to get away on weekends but the way I see it, it has given us security and a family. That's definitely a bonus for a girl who has left her own family thousands of miles away and has an evil mother-in-law! I love Mrs P and she loves us.

Hope this hasn't bored you to tears! It's hard to believe this "Gypsy girl" has become so domesticated isn't it? For someone who has operated her own business for 10 years and worked my own hours - I'm doing quite well in a strict routine! I think it's been good for me in a number of ways.... but I'll save that for another blog entry!

A Kiwi Halloween

Well I've just celebrated my first Halloween in New Zealand. Wow... it was very different from home. Of course, it's spring here so being from the Northern Hemisphere, I think of Easter and Bunnies. It's harder getting into the Halloween spirit without dark cold nights and leaves crunching under your feet (or if you're from Northern Ontario - snow). We also don't have big orange pumpkins here - and if we did, this wouldn't be the time of the year for them. So there are no jack o'lanterns glowing in every driveway... and hardly a Halloween decoration in sight!

Our church put on a "Saints and Angels" party for the kids. We had games and a bouncy castle and a sausage sizzle. The kids came dressed in costume - there were lots of fairy princesses and angels!

I was happy to see a few vampires and witches too, and even a little Robin


Hood. I dressed up as a Scarecrow/Clown.

It was a fun afternoon. We finished up there at 7pm and the girls asked if they could go trick or treating... they'd never done it before! How could I say no? I can't believe they've missed out on it for so long! Unfortunately Chantelle was grounded so she had to miss out... and dad wouldn't back down... so I took Nat out for a bit.


Let me tell you all about it! I've never in my life experienced this before! First of all, there are very few kids in our neighbourhood. It's mostly retired people or summer homes... so there weren't many people home and it was difficult knowing which houses to go to. So we just went door knocking... first stop, our next door neighbour Raewyn... we knew she'd have some goodies! Next we stopped at Ned's house (he's a boy who lives a few doors down), his mum was bound to have something (though she is a bit of an odd one)! Nat rang their bell and Ned's mum answered. She thought it was all very cute and she TOOK candy out of Nat's basket for Ned!!!! I couldn't believe it! Luckily we had put some smarties and chips in Nat's basket as decoys (for people to know what we wanted). Then she went away and returned with a Kiwi fruit, $2.20 and a firecracker!!!! How hilarious is that? I was thinking... "if the next house gives us drugs, we're going home." The rest of our street was a lost cause. People weren't home or just weren't answering their doors... but we got a few honks as we walked down the street and a few "thumbs up" from other parents. We made our way over to my friend Naomi's house (we brought candy for her two kids).... she grew up in England so she would surely have candy - plus she has two kids! Well, we got two lemons... literally. She gave Nat lemons! So now we have a basket with a Kiwi fruit, two lemons, $2.20, a few candies and a firecracker. It was the weirdest loot I've ever seen.

On our way home we saw another kid and his mom out trying to do the same. They had been out since 6pm (remember we didn't start till nearly 7:30). They advised us to drive over to the neighbourhood nearer to the school - there were a lot more kids there. So off we went... but by this time it was dark and it was still really hard to know where to go. The houses all had their lights off. I drove around until I saw a group of kids and parents. Nat hopped out and got some candy with them at a few houses. Then we made one more stop at Todd and Linda's (Raewyn's son)... and came home.

Nat was pooped and so was I... driving around looking for a place to get your kid free candy is MUCH harder than walking around the block carrying a pillow case.