In the Mood for Love

Falling in love with someone is one of the best feelings on earth.  Those heart flutters and butterflies in the stomach from an innocent touch, the sound of their voice or the mere sight of them. 

Every girl I know loves love.

As with everything, we are taught to become more practical, more pragmatic about our choices as we get older.  I thought I was in love many times, without flutters.  I dated men who seemed right for me at the time but it didn't last, there wasn't enough real "love" to hold it together.  You can't force love.  I've been accused of being incapable of love by (insecure) men who couldn't understand why I wasn't getting flutters.  I simply wasn't attracted to them and attraction is important.

In my younger days I experienced flutters more often but I wasn't ready to settle down, I still had the world to see.   I didn't realize how rare flutters actually were.  You take love for granted when you're young.  I certainly did, so naive.  I thought it was around every corner.

I've also had my heart broken numerous times, thinking it could be "love', it's going so well, it feels amazing... then it all stops.  You're left wondering what you did wrong.  I've heard every excuse... they got scared... they think I deserve better... they don't love me (they aren't attracted to me enough)...  they don't live in the same country (one of the disadvantages of being a world traveler)... or I just never hear from them again (those are the most cowardly).  In those days I didn't realize that they were not the right "one".

It was soul crushing stuff.  The confusion and the angst lasted for months, even years.   It took me nearly 10 years to get over a broken heart from a love I had when I was 23.  In hindsight, I can see that he wasn't the one for me but at the time, I adored him.  For the record, a person with a badly broken heart like that shouldn't try to mend it by trying to love someone else.  It doesn't work.  One broken heart is enough to cause many more.  It needed time to heal.

Discovery

I used to think that you were everything,
And without you I was nothing.
I would watch the rain roll down the window
As tears trickled down my cheeks.

Sometimes,
When I'd think of us together
The pain would creep in and engulf me again
My eyes would sting at the sight of your half-hearted smile,
And I would feel incomplete, empty.

But now I am stronger.
Your harsh words have calloused my heart
Making it unfeeling to the pain
That once would have torn me.

I have learned that without you,
I am still a person,
And that others care, even if you don't.

I see the sun and it makes me smile
I feel it's warmth and I know that
I can be happy...
Even without you.

It's enough to drive a girl to join the convent.  I seriously considered taking a vow of celibacy a year or two ago.  I can see how people just shut up inside themselves and become afraid to love.  But that's not me.  I'm fearless (in most things).  I've always believed in love.

I'm the first to admit that I've been a fool.  I was humiliated after being married for less than 5 months to a man I barely knew who walked out on me because I wouldn't change to suit him. It's good to know it was the apocalypse.  So naive and silly to think marrying a person would make them love you unconditionally and stick around.  But I don't regret it.  It was a day to remember.

I want to be reminded of my first love... all the BEST qualities of every love I've ever known.  

I want a man who is not afraid of love.

Love should be mutual and easy, no games. I want to be myself and not scare him off.  

My honesty is one of my greatest attributes but not everyone can handle the truth.  I've been rejected for being honest and saying how I feel.  I don't want to change that part of me. 

Four years ago when I was visiting my friend Manna in Bangkok, we both had a blessing done by a Monk.  Part of the blessing ceremony was  having a white string tied around the wrist.  The idea behind the blessing was that whatever you desired, your truest heart's desire would be blessed upon you when the string naturally falls off your wrist.   Of course, my greatest heart's desire was to find true love.

But you mustn't cut the string off.  It must remain on your wrist until it falls off.  Only then will the blessing come true.  Who knew it would take 4 years!

The string blessing in Thailand

The string fell off a week ago.  Love is coming.

If you want to be pragmatic and sceptical, you'd see it as a coincidence.  I've decided that I'm going to look at love like I did when I was young.  I never over-analyzed, I just felt it and enjoyed it for what it was.  I don't believe there's a place for practicality when it comes to falling in love.  The best way to approach it is with reckless abandon.

I've put a lot of energy into myself these past two years and my reservoir is spilling over.  I can allow myself to be distracted for a while.  

My heart is whole and healed and it's been nurtured and protected.  No one else has a piece of it.  In the past I've only had pieces of my heart to give because I gave it away so freely.  I just didn't realize it didn't work that way.   It was my period of Atonement.

Broken hearts gradually heal but great love and great achievement involve great risk.   It's time.  I'm willing to take that risk again. 

 P.S.  I believe the right one is out there, and he's reading this right now.  :)

To the couple living in an RV in the USA...

I follow the Huffington posts each morning on facebook.  Today's post inspired me.  A university master graduate wrote an article to President Obama complaining about their living conditions in the United States.

Everything, absolutely everything we do is a choice.  When things aren't going well, it's up to us to change it.  Unfortunately we are living in a world where people (in the Western world predominantly) have a sense of entitlement.   Why do you think it's up to the government to look after you?  This is one of the many reasons the economy collapsed in the first place.  Learn from it and make a change.  We are so fortunate to have any help at all but no one should expect the government to look after them forever.

It's time for people to wake up and start making smarter choices.  My advice to the couple living in the RV park:

1.  Despite what we've been brainwashed to think,  a university degree does not guarantee that  we will be a raging success in this world.  People seem to think that if you don't have a degree, you won't get a good job.  There is never a better time to see that even those with degrees aren't finding work.  It has absolutely nothing to do with how "smart" you are or how much you spent on university fees.  You just can't buy common sense.

2.  If you aren't happy where you are - MOVE.  The world is a big place and there are opportunities in every corner of the globe... but you have to have the courage to get out there and look for them.

3.  If nothing else, just TRAVEL.  Traveling opens your mind and you find out things about yourself that you didn't know existed.  I'm not talking about going to Cancun for a week and staying at a resort.  I'm talking about going somewhere real.  Cambodia, Vietnam, Africa.  All the social anxiety you thought you had magically erodes when you are traveling.  All the little "first world problems" you complain about daily will suddenly seem petty.

4.  Money is easier to make than you realize.  Think outside the box.  You don't need to "find the perfect job" and have someone else pay your wage.   Why are we so dependent on other people to look after us?  Get out there and create something!  If you've been in university for 4+ years and worked for over 30 for a company, surely you are smart enough to run a lemonade stand or clean houses or mow lawns or cook dinners for your friends who work till 8pm or manage someones Facebook pages... that's how entrepreneurs start.

5.  If you still can't make money and you're still miserable, sell the caravan that was given to you or if that's not an option, find a charity organization (there are many of them out there)  and move to a third world country and make a difference to someone else's life. 

6.  Bi-polar is a condition that can be reversed believe it or not.  Our bodies and our minds react negatively if we are in the wrong place and not living our life's purpose.  Comparing your life to others or  trying to fit in with the status quo is a heck of a lot of pressure to put on yourself.  A hamster running on the treadmill will eventually lose it's mind and die an early death.  Get off the treadmill!  You'll be amazed by the change in your mental health.

7.  Be grateful for what you HAVE.  It sounds like people have been helping you for a really long time.  You've been receiving money from the government for your husbands bi-polar (most people suffer from depression at some point in their lives - most don't get paid for it) and rather than be upset that they stopped paying you, be grateful for the years of support you received.  Someone obviously sees that you are strong enough to do it on your own now.  Take this opportunity to get your life back!

8. You're alive and you have more riches than you realize.  Stop to think about how many people are literally dying to get into America to live the "American Dream".  Someone else would gladly change places with you and make it work for them.

I hope this puts things into perspective.   I know how frustrating it can be to live without money.  10 years ago I made a giant leap and changed my entire life.  It wasn't easy, but life isn't meant to be easy, it's meant to be lived.   I left everything behind and walked away with just a few hundred dollars in my bank and flew to the other side of the world with an old cat (who consequently developed diabetes and had to be injected with insulin for the next 2 years - I had to figure out how to pay for that... but I did).

It takes courage to change your current situation.  People I know are doing it with children.  They are making the conscious choice to throw in their big corporate paycheck and wanting to make a difference.

We get caught up in one way of thinking and we need to stop for a moment and step back to take an objective look at how we can make a change towards the positive rather than focusing on everything that is going wrong.   Believe me, money is not the answer.

Surely you've seen all the wisdom out there - the more you focus on what you don't have, the more you will attract scarcity.  It's the law of attraction.  Change your focus and watch your whole life change before your eyes.

You are clearly an intelligent woman Paula.  You can do this.  I realize I don't know the whole situation and things aren't as easy as I make them seem.  This letter may sound harsh but I assure you it's written with love.  We often can't see the forest for the trees.  My greatest teachers in life were the ones who's advice was firm and honest.  I'm sharing some of that with you now.   Take what you want from this and know that there are lots of us out there who can relate to your anguish and frustration.

 You are the author of your story.  Give yourself the happy ending you deserve.

Big Changes to Start 2014

I knew everything was going to change when I went to Africa.  Don't ask me how I knew, I just did.

I returned to New Zealand with a heavy heart and a knowing that I would never fit back into the life I had.  It's such a disconcerting feeling, because I truly loved my life and I was grateful for it every day.  It was a charmed life, I had everything I needed and wanted at my fingertips.  It wasn't flashy but it was mine and I was content with everything I had.

It wasn't always that way of course, I worked hard to get my life in that beautifully balanced state.  Finally everything was just ticking along at a steady pace and I was blissfully content after many years of struggle and challenges.

My view as I write this piece

When I returned from Africa, I looked at things differently.  My house seemed so white, so clean, so big, filled with so many things I didn't need.  The garden, though nice, seemed excessive for one person.  I had so much, but no one to share it with.

Two days after my arrival back in New Zealand, I was told that my house was going to be sold and I would need to find somewhere else to live.

Hakuna Matata.  That was my reaction.

I started packing up things I didn't need and purging things I would never use.  I donated a huge pile of stuff to charity.  

Karma packed himself

When it came to my everyday items, I struggled to pack them.  Suddenly I was wrought with fear.  I didn't want to move.  I felt paralyzed.  I was getting flashbacks of all the wonderful moments I'd had in that house.  There were ghosts too - but they were just as comforting.  The house had history.  I was in a state of disbelief that it was coming to an end. I beat myself up thinking that I wasn't grateful enough.  I cried for days.  I couldn't stop myself.  I was grief stricken.

It was an emotional upheaval leaving Canada to move to New Zealand 10 years ago but I think this move was harder.  I'd never felt that blissful contentment in Canada - ever.   This time I was leaving comfort for limbo land, putting my stuff into storage and moving into a temporary home at a resort.  It sounds pretty great but the reality is - it isn't home.  I'm not sure when I'll have a "home" again.  Something inside of me says it's not going to happen for a while. 

Life at a retreat from the fishbowl looking out

I have a way of making do with very little.  I'm not motivated by money but I always seem to have enough.  Sometimes I do wish I had more of it so that I could give myself more security but everything I need is provided for, it's a gift.  Owning a house comes with so many hassles and I've always said I didn't want to own a house on my own (unless I had a lot of money to afford to pay people to fix things without feeling sick about it).  I've been thinking about it more recently.  Maybe it's time to start saving to buy something so I won't worry and I can put down some roots.  That's why I feel a bit guilty living at the retreat.  I could save the money I'm spending to live here and either use it for my upcoming trip to Africa or to buy myself a home.  Either way, living here feels totally indulgent and I'm out of my comfort zone.

I am very blessed.  I have the most amazing friends who have offered to store my things.  I didn't want to take advantage of their generosity so I've split my household items between four separate locations.  Two different garages for the stuff I don't need, my personal items are stored in a friend's spare bedroom, and the most important items have moved up to the retreat.  

View of the main house from the natural mineral pool

Everything except for my one little cat Karma.  He chases birds and there is a large family of quail who live and nest here at the retreat.  They would be easy pickings for Karma so he wasn't allowed to come.  I had to make the very difficult decision to give him to my friend Liz.  Liz has a stable family home and her 12 year old son loves playing with Karma - so he'll be well looked after.  My heart broke when I gave him away.  Karma brought so much joy and happiness into my life.  Whenever I'd hear his little bell, I'd feel lighter.  I loved that little boy so much.

Mac and I settling in

It was good news for Mac who never liked Karma.  Mac doesn't chase birds any more but he still likes a good fight with other cats.   He's scrappy for an old boy.  Mac has lived in the old house most of his life so I wasn't sure how he'd adapt to the new place.  He seemed okay for the first few hours, in fact he was really smoochy.  I didn't realize he could purr so loud. 

Change is hard and emotionally draining.  Living in this beautiful resort with magnificent views of Mount Maunganui  will take time to get used to.  I have access to a warm mineral swimming pool and hot tub from the french doors to my room that lead out onto the deck.  There is no more street noise, no buses or cars zooming past, no airplane engines roaring overhead.  The silence is almost deafening... the big house creaks and groans, the mini fridge makes strange noises at night.  

Neither of us slept very well last night.  The creaks and groans of the new house kept us awake.  Mac slept under the covers curled up next to me - something he has never done before.  In fact, he is still under there - 15 hours later. 

I know how he feels.  I have only left my room briefly to eat a late breakfast.  I've been in here all day getting my bearings and trying to figure out how I'll fit in.

The rational side of me sees this as one big adventure.  The fear based side of me wants to crawl under the covers with Mac.  I realize I'm not sounding very grateful for what I have here. 

The views are stunning up here

I feel like I've lost the innate connection with myself.  I was once Superman, now I feel like Clark Kent.  My super hero powers are gone.  I lost my Kryptonite.   I'm like a child again, pure and ready for life to reveal itself in a different way.  I have no preconceived idea of how I'm supposed to be or what I'm going to do.  This is where trust comes in.  I'm sitting in the quiet (with the strange new sounds) waiting.  

What I'm waiting for, I do not know.  I'm glad I have a good book.  Give me a few days, I'll get my gratitude back, hopefully around the same time that Mac comes out from under the covers.