Hello???

Is anyone out there reading this? If so, why hasn't anyone left a comment for me regarding my upcoming name change (see "Tracy Pumpernickle")?? The problem with having a blog is not knowing who is reading this unless people leave me a comment when they check in. If this sounds like you... it's time to click on the "comment" link at the bottom of one of my entries and say hello! I am feeling a bit neglected. This means all of you... any of you... strangers... family... friends... Mrs. P's rellies... it excludes no one. Plus, what do you think of my new blog template? An IT friend of mine says it's a bit more confusing... what do you think?

It is certainly a weird spring season. The sun shines in the morning but by lunch time it's blustering and you aren't sure if it's going to rain or not. By late afternoon it sounds like a hurricane! The temperature is warm, but the wind is cool. You just never know what to wear.

It's just a month away from the wedding. I've gotten news from my family in Canada that no one will be attending. Ah well, I can't be too disappointed. It's a long way to go and it's the most expensive time of the year to travel. My family has never been able to turn up to any of my "milestones"... so I've always been on my own. If it's not convenient... it won't happen. That's why I've been on my own since the age of 16. But the wedding was beginning to feel as though it was getting bigger than I wanted - as I planned for my family to come. Now that they aren't going to be here, I can relax and enjoy the day without trying to live up to family expectations. I put far too much pressure on myself when they are involved. I love them dearly, but for some reason I'm not able to be myself with them. I feel scrutinized and judged. But enough of that psychobabble... my therapist has heard it all.

I am quite comfortable with my little family here - Brian, Natalya, Chantelle, Bubba and Mrs. P. At the moment Brian is working long hours so I'm feeling a bit like a single parent - but that's a sacrifice you make when you have a family. He is driving diggers and bulldozers again - a job he just loves! He leaves at 4:30am and is home by 7:00 - 8:00pm. It's crazy, we don't see him all week.

Being a single parent isn't easy. I don't know how my mom did it with five children!!! Times were different then - and I actually don't remember her being home much. She worked and we ran amuck. We were wild children with no rules. It's amazing that we all turned out so well actually. Not one of us went to prison once! Of my two, Chantelle is the wild card. She's a tough nut and very difficult to figure out. Natalya is emotional and has a conscience. She is the "tattletale" of the two... the "goody-two-shoes". Channy is quiet but she is full of mischief. She loves to irritate her sister, she is sneaky and she plays "sweet". I don't know what to think of that girl. She shows no emotion when she gets in trouble (Natalya cries and runs off to her bed)... but Channy just gives a blank stare (and lately adds a little smirk). OOOOOOHHHHHHH! Parenting is hard sometimes!

Some friends of mine are starting to think about having babies... in their early 30's. I feel so blessed because I have these two great girls (despite the above mentioned issues) who are halfway there... just a few more hard years left. I think age 8 is the worst year - before that they are still really cute (you hope). I've been told that they mellow out between 9-12 and then it gets bad again at 13. Fabulous. But still, the thought of starting from scratch now is exhausting! Brian and I will be in our early 40's by the time the girls are independent... so we'll be young empty nesters! I can hardly wait!!! I couldn't imagine doing this in my 40's. I'd have a heart attack - no question.

I love the girls - don't get me wrong. There are so many reasons I feel so lucky to have them in my life. They add richness and substance to an otherwise selfish world... and Christmas all of a sudden has meaning again. There is nothing more magical than living with a child who still believes in the magic of Santa Claus and the tooth fairy (Chantelle is the sort of child who pulls her teeth out just to get money from the tooth fairy!). I can't wait to tell her about this when she's an adult.

Children - they're a worry... but they are wonderful.

*** This blog entry was written whilst drinking a glass of red wine - I'm a very cheap date and can't handle much alcohol in my system so I feel a bit tiddly. If this entry sounds like a load of rubbish - it likely is. I'm in my fuzzy over analytical place. ***

Virtual Reality Check

I was out at the school yesterday for a kiddie function and guess who I met? Madonna! Her kids are apparently attending the school for the season. She seemed very lonely and when we were chatting, she gave me her telephone number and asked if I'd like to go over. Frankly, she seemed a bit "needy" but was much nicer than you'd think. She was just like a normal mother.

Later that afternoon I turned up at her place. It was very nice and there were lots of plush pillows everywhere - on the floors, on the sofas... all in pinks and purples and oranges. The kids played while Madonna and I chatted. She was very nice to talk to but I kept thinking how lonely she seemed. Her daughter Lordes was a lovely sweet girl but Rocco was a bit of a handful. The newest addition, David was nowhere to be seen.

At one point Guy turned up, popped his head in the door and made some sarcastic remark. I don't think they're getting along. Madonna had a few smart words with him and he was off... probably to make a movie. He seemed very snobby and didn't even say hello to me.

When it was time to go, Madonna didn't seem to want me to leave. I assured her that I would see her sometime next week. Maybe the kids can get together and we'll all go to the beach this weekend.

So now I am apparently Madonna's new best friend. I'm flattered and honoured - but I really don't know if I'll have much time to devote to this friendship. I'm quite busy looking after Mrs. P.

I wonder if I'll dream about her again tomorrow? I'm living life in the subconscious REM mind now. It's kinda like a "virtual world". Am I sad? Or sick? Or maybe just need a holiday?

Tracy Pumpernickle?

The wedding date is fast approaching. I haven't been focused on the wedding much this past month - and it's crept up on me. I have a few decisions to make... one of them happens to be the name I choose to live with for the rest of my life.

This is the chance to have your say, make a comment, leave your message. I would like anyone out there who is reading this blog (EVERY ONE OF YOU!) to leave your opinion. It will let me know who's actually reading my ramblings...

As you know, my name is Tracy Pepper. That's the name I am known by and the name I've grown up with... but it's more complicated than that. My mother is Brenda Temple and my father is Roger Gagnon. The name on my birth certificate is, "Tracy Lyn Joy Temple Gagnon". My parents were hippies.

So how did I get Pepper? Well my brothers and sisters are all Peppers. My mom married Don Pepper and had 4 children before they split up. I was a love child of the 70's... and my parents never married. So growing up, I was a member of the Pepper household. It was never an issue until I applied for my driver's licence and Social Security Number. Legally I am Tracy Gagnon. Mentally I am Tracy Pepper.

I've had an identity crisis my whole entire life! I've been waiting to get married so that I could start fresh. If I knew I wouldn't marry until the age of 32... I think I would have legally changed it years ago.

So I am about to get married and the time has come to make a decision. I am thinking about keeping my professional name Tracy Pepper - since it's on all of my professional documents and diplomas. So... should I just stay Tracy Pepper??? I can just get it legally changed. Brian won't change his name - I've already asked... "Honey, wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?"

Other options are:

Tracy Lyn Joy Nicoll

or

Tracy Lyn Joy Pepper Nicoll

Tracy Pepper Nicoll has a ring to it. It kinda sounds like "Pumpernickle". Is that too weird?

I just don't know if I can imagine not being Tracy Pepper. All of my friends actually call me Tracy Pepper... never just Tracy. It's a great name. Tracy Nicoll is okay too... but it's not Tracy Pepper. If I go with Tracy Pepper Nicoll, then I can use "Nicoll" for personal stuff but I'd still have "Pepper" for legal and professional stuff.

For those of you who are married... I would like to know.... what's the benefit of changing your name? What are the drawbacks? Does it make the relationship stronger? Is it simply easier for the kids? Do you feel as though you've lost your identity? People who have married more than once change their name each time... what is that like? You're known as one person for 20 some odd years, then another for another 10-15 years, then another... what does that do to one's identity? I have SO many questions!!!!

So I'd like to know what you all think. Pepper... Nicoll... or Pepper Nicoll?