Winners and Losers

I am not very good at idle chit chat, and it's getting worse as I get older.  I hate gossip.  Small minds talk about other people.  If you want to talk, let's talk about the issues that matter.  I want to hear about your passions and what drives you to want to make a difference.  We can even talk about the hurdles that life throws us, but please talk about the ways you can change them.  It's not easy listening to everything that's going wrong if you aren't willing to search for a solution to make it right.  Chances are, if you're talking to me then you're open to solutions, otherwise you don't know me very well.

If you feel the need to complain, I suggest you write about it.  If you are too embarrassed to go public with it, then it's probably not worthy enough a complaint.  Hopefully, that should put it into perspective for you.  Save your breath and don't waste other people's time and energy (unless they are a therapist) unless you're prepared to take advice from that person - in which case, choose the person you complain to wisely.  Better yet, stop complaining and focus your energy on doing something to change the situation.  That would be so much more productive.

I'm not saying I don't whinge and feel sorry for myself from time to time.  Everyone does.  It's human nature.  I'm the sort of person who will show up on a friend's doorstep with my pad of paper full of notes, to help categorize my complaints (just ask my friend Jacqui).  I have written an equal amount of solutions and options, as I have complaints.  If I don't have that pad of paper I stay home and write, or meditate to find a solution.  I'm lucky enough to have a handful of friends who know me well enough to know that I am not a serial complainer.  They are there to talk me through my options or make me a cuppa tea and listen (and laugh) at my crazed lists.  If you are lucky enough to have friends like this, cherish them, because if you become a chronic complainer, they will disappear from your life.  Tread carefully and respect their need for optimism.

 

Life will deal us a tough hand now and again, but you have to try to work with what you've been dealt.  Rearrange your cards, throw out a few that you don't want, pick up a few more.  Your aim is improve your chances of winning that round.  What happens if you do nothing?  If you don't play, you'll never win.  It's all a game of chance.  The good news is, it's just temporary.  The next hand could be a full house... a winner.  

Do you express your gratitude just as openly as you are willing to express your disappointment?  Sadly people often don't appreciate the winning hands.  

The problem with our society is that it has become unacceptable to feel euphoric about holding a winning hand.  We've become afraid of being labelled "egocentric" or "narcissistic" or "up ourselves".  So we feel the need to tip-toe around all the losers, so we don't upset the game (and spoil our chances of another winning hand).  Do you notice that the same people win and the same people lose?  It has nothing to do with luck.   

Occasionally though, winners often don't get invited back to play.

Here in New Zealand we call this Tall Poppy Syndrome.   I experienced it when I first arrived here 10 years ago.  I was offering myself to charities as a speaker, and an advocate for their cause.   I wasn't asking to get paid, I wanted to volunteer, so I couldn't understand why on earth no one was interested.  I was told, "Sorry, we already have someone in a paid position to do that."   After about 10 attempts with 10 different charities, I gave up.   It made me sad.  I have a gift and I wasn't given a chance to share it.

I was talking with a friend of mine from Ireland who had a difficult time finding work. Like me, she is a winner in life with a vibrant personality.  Sometimes I think that Kiwis feel threatened because if they hire a vibrant outsider with more experience than them, they fear they might have to "up" their game.  They don't have the confidence or belief that by inviting a winner to the game, it will challenge them to play better and to increase their own chances of winning.  Instead it seems, they want to keep the same cards and hope for the winning hand one day... which will never come.

We have forgotten how important it is to share winning - regardless of who won.  It's so important to celebrate when things are going well for someone, because it could be you next.  What good is winning if it can't be shared?  This is how we know what success is, and who our real friends are.  We are becoming a society of dissatisfied complainers who only talk about the bad cards we've been dealt, and feel disappointed when no one wants to listen.  Sadly, that's because there are so many others who are engrossed with their own losing hand.  Sometimes chronic losers set up "Pity Parties" where they all get together to talk about how life won't deal them better cards.  You will never find a single winner at one of these parties.

Winners know that this is a game, and everyone has the ability to choose different cards to better their odds.  I'll say it again - we forget that everything is temporary.  

Think about a real poker game.  You wouldn't go to a poker game, pull out the same cards from your pocket every week and sit there complaining that you never win.  That's just insane.  The most successful players turn up every week expecting to be challenged and filled with the enthusiasm that they are going to win the jackpot.  

What cards are you holding right now?  Take a good look at them.  You could be holding a winning hand and you don't even realize it.

Business Net-not-Working

Professional photo - age 22

I used to be shit hot at networking.  Back in the day when I owned Briarhill Massage Therapy in Toronto, Ontario.  I was only 23 years old but I belonged to one of the most prestigious Business Networking groups in the heart of the city - BNI Downtown Chapter.  Once a week a group of 40+ professionals met for breakfast, socialized, listened to each other speak about their business and then help each and every person in the group become a success.

The core members of that group still meet every week and if a space becomes available in a particular profession, it gets snapped up fast.  I miss that group.  I miss business networking in Canada period.

Here's how it works:  You get invited to a Networking Meeting.  Usually you go with the person who invited you and they introduce you to everyone and people are genuinely interested in knowing what you do.  If for some reason you go to these events alone, there is a person at the door greeting visitors who warmly introduces themselves and asks what you do and listens intently at what you tell them.  They then escort you into the room where everyone is already socializing and introduce you to either the most senior member of the group OR someone they think compliment your business who you'd get along with. Later that day, you get an email from the President of the group thanking you for attending and telling you how nice it was that you took the time to come and that they hope to see you again next week.  That's how it's done.  Business Networking was fabulous and friendly and a great way to do business. 

Until I moved to New Zealand...

I have been to a half a dozen different Business Networking groups and a number of Networking functions.  I hate to say this but Kiwis don't know how to network.  Their idea of networking is to meet for drinks with people they know and get "pissed".  I've gone to meetings where I've stood by myself, smiling, trying not to feel out of place as I eves drop on a conversation a group of others are having, pretending that I'm part of the group (which I am clearly not).  Or I've been to daytime groups where there's an element of cattiness, competitiveness and outright snobbery.  If anyone is in the natural health or alternative medicine scene, they don't speak to me.  In fact, I don't think anyone has ever asked me what I do for a living.  I've had to introduce myself and offer a business card stating that I am a massage therapist.  This makes me feel awkward as it's quite forward... but hey if no one is going to ask...  It rarely goes further than that.  No one asks what sort of massage I do or even how long I've been doing it.  I've even been rejected - people saying, "No thank you, I already have a massage therapist."  That is so demoralizing.  It's enough to give a girl a complex.

Let me tell you about the last networking experience I had.  I was invited to an evening where there were going to be some interesting guest speakers who were up my alley.  I was looking forward to it, especially since I had been invited by one of the speakers.  I arrived on my own and I was greeted with a glass of wine and asked to write my name on a sticker.  They were a friendly enough group but they were all pretty busy chatting with their mates.  People smiled but didn't step away from their group to introduce themselves or ask me who I was.  I worked my way to the finger foods.  I made small talk with a few others who were clearly lost too.  No one had any business cards to hand out and I felt awkward offering mine.  No one asked me what I did.  We just had awkward chit chat and then I tried to move on to mingle.  I made eye contact with one of the speakers who was standing on her own and I starting to walk toward her but she turned her back and starting talking to someone else.  So I stood in the middle of two conversations looking really uncomfortable with my nearly empty glass of wine.  I really wanted to leave at this stage.  Thankfully the speakers took the stage, we all took our seats and the rest of the evening was fine.  The speakers were great and I got a lot out of the event.  I sat beside a really friendly Maori lady who made smart remarks while the speakers were talking - she cracked me up.  But as the night ended and it was time to go, they handed out forms to join their group.  I couldn't bring myself to do it.  I don't want to be part of that sort of "clique".

I'm lucky to have a network of friends and a really good network of professionals OUTSIDE of the "social business networking" scene instead.  Some people in this town are so threatened by newcomers or people who are skilled at their craft.  I've spoken to a number of small business owners who have had to move to another larger city because they were literally pushed out by their competition.  There's no friendly support.  New Zealand is a small country, people seem to feel that they need to keep the business to themselves in fear that someone might take it from them.  Businesses don't really "refer" to each other here - unless they are completely different from their own profession.  But if anyone works in the healing industry for example, they don't often refer their clients to someone who might better serve their needs.  Instead they keep trying to treat them and in the worst case scenerio they lock them in to a treatment plan over many months just to ensure they don't leave.  This is of course a broad generalization... there are those who do refer and often are the type of people who understand the whole law of attraction.

I love living here.  I love my life.  I love my job.  I love the freedom I have.  I know I need to just keep doing what I love and give up on the wish that social networking is going to work for me here.  It feels more like a way for nosy people to see what you're up to so that they can try to copy your ideas because they haven't had enough worldly experience to come up with their own.  Harsh.  Maybe.  True though.  But in the end, only the strong survive.  It feels so cut throat. 

It's been a lesson for me to learn.  I'm so open about everything I do and what I want to achieve.  I wouldn't hesitate to share my ideas with friends.  I never once thought one of them would take my long term goals, add her own flavour to them and then start up her own business.  I wish her well, I really do.  But I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.  

She would come over with a bottle of wine and eagerly listen while I shared my ideas.  One day I saw a link to a website on facebook that she was somehow involved in.  I was gobsmacked when I realized it was her new business with all my ideas!  She hadn't even hinted to me that she was looking to start up a business.  She had no skills in the field whatsoever.  But she is an Accountant so she knows how to create a business and convince people to buy her service, regardless of her lack of knowledge about it.  So it's no wonder I'm happy to stay in my bubble right?

Living in the big city had it's perks.  In a place of 8 million, there was enough business for everyone.  I just wish people here could see that too.  Let's all help each other succeed.  That's what networking is all about. 

***  I wrote this article in 2011 but I never had the guts to publish it because I was afraid of what people might think and that I would be ostracized from the professional industry even more.  But since then many of the people and businesses I was talking about have left town (apart from the girl who stole my business ideas but she's targeting a completely different market).  I'm also happy to report that networking is improving here in New Zealand.  It may have to do with the fact that I'm socializing with an "older and more sophisticated" crowd but there's still an element of competition and tall poppy syndrome.  I guess that's what happens when you live in a small country.  I wouldn't go back to the big city for all the money in the world.  So I don't care if I don't network in a professional sense anymore!   Now I do personal networking which is much nicer anyway.  

The Adventures of Flat Stanley

Flat Stanley arrives!

I love facebook and how it connects us to people who you'd otherwise lose track of.  Thanks Mark Zuckerberg for inventing it. I'd wanted to invent it years before you but was not technologically advanced enough to know how.  

As a result I am connected to friends from childhood who consequently are probably some of my most supportive and closest friends.  Without facebook, I'm not sure I'd be able to travel and live on the other side of the world on my own.  I realize that's a big statement to make, but it's true.  

There have been months... even years when I've felt so out of place and alone.  I considered chucking in my dreams to return to the comfort of my support network, but I knew I'd be miserable if I turned back.  Besides, I don't know where I'd live.  My friends are scattered across Canada.  So I turned to facebook instead.  Hours and hours of chats with my friends from yesteryear remind me of who I am and where I came from without having to go back.  That's how I got through the lonely times.

And my friends live vicariously through me.  They have settled down and had families and they get to travel along with me.  Because we're all so connected, they feel like they are right there with me.  It's pretty amazing.  

FS in Paeroa

I've enjoyed traveling alone for this reason.  I can share my experiences on facebook and my friends comment on my photos and updates.  I'm not sure traveling alone would be quite as satisfying without their enthusiasm.

And now my friends children have become part of my support network.  All of these little people are getting enthusiastic about my travels.  So I send postcards and they marvel at how they got to their letterboxes.  I am motivated by the fact that I am creating future adventurers and explorers.  I am inspiring children to see the world when they grow up.  

This is how Flat Stanley came to me.  

My highschool friend Kelly has been showing her son Simon my facebook page since he was old enough to love computers (so from birth basically).  
 

Happy 8th Birthday Simon! 

Now Simon is about to turn 8 and his class is doing an assignment in Geography where the children have been asked to create a flat character out of paper and take it places, get a photo and then share it with the class.  They will all learn about where each character goes.

Simon asked if I could take his character - Flat Stanley - on some adventures with me.   I enthusiastically accepted the challenge!  

And so begins The Adventures of Flat Stanley!

With Stan Walker - winner of Australian Idol

With The Exponents - a great Kiwi band

I'm thrilled to see Flat Stanley so well received.  People just love him and I'm amazed at  how easy it is to ask people to pose with him for a photo.  It's revolutionary!  Why hadn't I thought of this?

Signatures

So far Flat Stanley has met some famous Kiwis...  Stan Walker,  The Exponents, Breaks C0-op and the All Black Sevens Rugby team.  He has also been invited to go on trips with other people.   He went to Melbourne and has been invited to India, Sri Lanka, Singapore, Malaysia, Thailand and a few other places.  Lucky guy!  I wish I could flatten myself!

With DJ Forbes - captain of NZ AB 7's

With Tim Mikkleson

With David Raikuna

With Sam Dickson & Joe Webber

With Sherwin Stowers

With the coach Sir Gordon Tietjens

He even went to a Bruce Springsteen Concert at Mount Smart Stadium in Auckland New Zealand!  

 

And then I realize I AM Flat Stanley.  All these years of traveling and taking photos of myself around the world and posting them on facebook... I have been inspiring my friends to travel for years!  

And I travel much the same way as FS does... I rely on the generosity of strangers and new aquaintances I meet who extend invitations for me to stay.  I've met so many kind and wonderful people on this earth and now I have more friends than I can keep in touch with... I gave up sending Christmas cards years ago! 

Thank you Facebook.  I don't know what I'd do without you.  

So if you want to follow along on Flat Stanley's Adventures simply go to my facebook page One Mountain At A Time or click on this link which will take you directly to the album:  Adventures of Flat Stanley 

Check in frequently as more photos are being added all the time.

 Simon will be thrilled to know that his Geography assignment is inspiring people around the world to get off the sofa and start adventure seeking. 

Post by One Mountain At A Time.