Thursday, February 07, 2013

A Week of Doubt

This has been a week full of questioning and doubts... about almost EVERYTHING.  I hate my hair.  My garden stresses me out.  I want to chuck in my job.  I want to move.  I have no friends.  I can't be bothered to cook so I eat cereal.  I'm lonely and I'm convinced I will NEVER meet anyone.  Maybe I should move back to Canada.  There is absolutely NO way I can climb Kilimanjaro.

It's amazing how one negative thought can spiral a person into a dismal abyss of impossibility and misery.  The more miserable I feel, the more negative I get because I don't like feeling or thinking this way.  But I'm told it's normal.

Tomorrow I am going to the hairdresser - so that's the first thing on my list ticked off.  I just hope I like what she does to it.

My friends Filipe and Mariana are living with me now and Filipe started to tackle the garden.  Half of it is now weed free and in a few weeks it will be beautiful and we can start thinking about planting vegetables (a bit late for summer season but we can start winter veggies early).  That's another thing ticked off the hate list.

I love my job but I've been working extra hard at it for the last year so I'm just worn out.  The good news is that Mariana and Liz will be joining me in a few short days and things are going to be different around here.  I won't have to do everything by myself anymore.  I love being busy but when you have your own business, you can put in 12-18 hour days.  I am the therapist, the receptionist, the cleaning lady, the gardener, the accountant, the office administrator and  I have to find time to fit in my fitness training.  If I don't work, I don't get paid.  I can't afford to take a sick day.  It's a lot of pressure.   But like I said, things are going to get easier very soon.  It's just been a long time coming.

I have lived in the same place for 6 years.  That's a long time for a gypsy girl.  I am definitely ready for a change.  I only want to move because I can't handle this place on my own.  I need help keeping the gardens looking nice.  The place needs a spruce up.  But I don't own the house so it's not entirely all my responsibility.  I just hate asking my landlords because they've already done so much for me and in the six years I've been here, they haven't put up the rent.  I'm afraid to ask them for more in case they decide it's time for an increase.  Then I'd definitely have to move.  But if all goes well with Mariana and Liz, I could be living somewhere else and the business will expand into the whole house.  Fingers crossed.  I love the energy of this place, I'd hate to have to give it up.

I'm being melodramatic when I say I have no friends.  I have hoards of friends.  I'm just a terrible friend at the moment because I am working too hard.  My free time is spent at the gym or climbing mountains or writing.  So unless you cross my path, you don't see me.  If you're reading this and you haven't seen me for awhile, I know I suck.  I'll make it up to you one day.  Don't give up on me completely.

The whole cooking thing has been bad all year actually.  When I'm busy I don't have time to cook.  I'm so exhausted at the end of the day, I can't even drag myself out to pick up some sushi or Thai food.  So I eat toast or cereal.  But for the past two weeks since Filipe has been here I've been eating better.  It has been absolutely wonderful actually.  He sets the table and we always eat together.   The meals have been simple - mainly salad, rice and protein (steak, fish, egg) but delicious and healthy.  I said I needed a personal chef.  My wish came true.  I am so incredibly grateful, I don't think he realizes just how much I appreciate someone cooking for me.  One day I got so overwhelmed with the fact that he boiled eggs for me, I nearly burst into tears.

For the first time in my life I feel a bit jaded about love.  It's sad, I know.  But I also think it must be a good thing that I'm not looking.  I'm content with my life at the moment.   I want something real and lasting. I think the longer I wait, the more likely it will be that I'll really appreciate him.  He's out there.  He just hasn't met me yet.  Besides, there's the awkward fact that I am actually married to some guy I haven't seen for almost a year and I hardly know.  That's enough to shy anyone off relationships.  How do I bring that up on a date?  "Oh by the way, I'm kinda married but I don't know the guy and I haven't seen him for almost a year."  That makes me sound like a nut job.

I do miss Canada - a lot.  But do I miss it enough to want to live there?  I'm not so sure.  I think it's just a sign that it's time to go home for a good long visit.  Usually after a few weeks I'm dying to get back to my quiet life in New Zealand.  I need to write all the reasons I left Canada and what I love about New Zealand to remind me.  I'll save that for another blog post.

Of course I can climb Kilimanjaro.  I'm just afraid, that's all.  I was doubting my fitness and my health.  Yesterday I met with my Exercise Physiologist, Steve Finlayson to talk about my training schedule for the next 4 weeks.  Steve works with top athletes and a big part of his job is to keep them motivated.  He is great at it too.  When I was doubting myself, he was right there to tell me that I'm more than 3/4 of the way up Kilimanjaro already.  What?  How??  He reminded me that I'm already fit, not everyone can walk up the Mount.  I don't have issues with my back, my knees or any other parts of my body.  I am self disciplined - unlike the majority.  I told him about the little voice in my head that says, "Who the hell do you think you are?  You're not that special.  So what?  Who cares?  You had cancer, big deal.  Lots of people have it a hell of a lot worse than you do lady.  And Kilimanjaro, big deal.  Lots of people climb it and live to tell about it.  So what?"

Steve told me to tell that voice to eff-off and get rid of those negative thoughts in the most dramatic way possible.  I decided to burn them in a fire pit in the back of my brain.  Burn baby burn!   He reminded me that I could quite possibly be the only person climbing Kilimajaro in New Zealand this year.  Only a very small percentage of people on this planet will climb that mountain.  The difference between me and most people is that I'll actually DO it where lots of people will THINK about doing it.  When he put it into perspective like that, it made me feel a lot better.  If you'd like to read how it all came about, just click HERE.

I'm also nervous about the fundraising.  So far I've raised just over $300 which is enough to cover the deposit with Zara Tours.  I haven't bought boots yet.  I still need to figure out what gear I'm going to need.  When I look at the cost of it all, I freak out.  But I have 7 months to raise the money I'll need to get there.  If every friend on my facebook (560) donated $20, I'd have enough to cover the trip.  And I'm getting more and more media coverage of the event.  I've just been told that my story is going to be published in a swanky, upscale Auckland magazine.  So if you're in Auckland, look out for the March 2013 edition of Verve Magazine.  I hope it piques some interest in philanthropy.

If you are reading this and want to know how you can help.  Click HERE to be taken to my fundraising page.  I am also needing specific items which you could "donate" in lieu of money.  I'd be grateful if you shared my story with as many people as you can.  Perhaps you know someone who can help - someone who owns a shoe store who could donate my hiking boots.  Or someone who would like to donate a -21 degree celcius sleeping bag and bed roll.  Or someone who could donate a lightweight video camera so I can record a video diary of the trip.  Things are so much more expensive to purchase here in New Zealand.  

I'll have more moments of questioning and doubts.  It feels like I'm doing this all on my own some days.  But the truth is, there are a group of  amazing people in Canada who are quite possibly going through the very same thoughts and emotions right now.  I can't wait to meet them.  We aren't doing this because it's going to be a walk in the park. We are doing this for an amazing cause.  We are doing it to celebrate our lives and the lives of our fallen comrades. We are doing this because we know that we can do anything.

That's the magic formula.

Rainbows are messages from heaven.  This was taken the other day.  It had the brightest colours I've ever seen, the sun was like golden mist.  I got the message loud and clear.   Photo by Milca Miriam

No comments: