***I would like to add here that these women are not horrible nor were they purposely being mean or picking on me. It wasn't like that at all. It's just that the day before we had done some intense hip opening postures which as I already mentioned, stirs up a lot of emotions. It was just a bad day for everyone and no one was perky or positive that day. I am just writing how I felt in that moment but it's not a personal attack on anyone.
I couldn't function very well during the afternoon so I went for a nap and I slept straight through until the next day - a 14 hour nap! I was invited to join the morning sadana by Swami Atmalokananda and to be honest, I could've stayed in bed. My friend Anger was still there, with me the whole night, and didn't want me to get up. I dragged my invisible self out onto my mat and joined in the class with tears streaming down my face the whole time. How embarrassing, but I couldn't stop and I had no energy to try. I succumbed to whatever was working through me. Although I felt quite uncomfortable processing these emotions openly (I don't like others feeling uncomfortable) the women were wonderful and allowed me to be invisible.
Journey" counselor, a powerful process which helps you overcome challenges from physical ailments to emotional trauma or shut down in relationship problems and career performance issues. So after they all ate lunch (my body didn't want to eat), she came into my room and began to talk me through the journey process (she seemed to instinctively know she needed to ignore my invisibility trick). I knew what she was doing and although I was really afraid to go through the process, I didn't really have a choice. I was immobilized and powerless. For an hour and a half, we went through the layers of emotions that I've packed away in neat piles in my subconscious for so many years. As she talked me through another emotion, I felt guilt and shame that she had to see this side of me. I thought I dealt with this stuff but I'd only folded it and tucked it away where I hoped no one could find it (more importantly where I would never find it). But it was there, with all the other folded emotions. No wonder my primary feeling was anger. I had suppressed so much of this and never allowed myself to FEEL. Layer after layer we removed the emotions and put a name to them and as we worked my memory went deeper and deeper into the past, into my subconscious.
Hari Aum Tat Sat. This self realization is just beginning. AUM.