The Adventures of Flat Stanley

Flat Stanley arrives!

I love facebook and how it connects us to people who you'd otherwise lose track of.  Thanks Mark Zuckerberg for inventing it. I'd wanted to invent it years before you but was not technologically advanced enough to know how.  

As a result I am connected to friends from childhood who consequently are probably some of my most supportive and closest friends.  Without facebook, I'm not sure I'd be able to travel and live on the other side of the world on my own.  I realize that's a big statement to make, but it's true.  

There have been months... even years when I've felt so out of place and alone.  I considered chucking in my dreams to return to the comfort of my support network, but I knew I'd be miserable if I turned back.  Besides, I don't know where I'd live.  My friends are scattered across Canada.  So I turned to facebook instead.  Hours and hours of chats with my friends from yesteryear remind me of who I am and where I came from without having to go back.  That's how I got through the lonely times.

And my friends live vicariously through me.  They have settled down and had families and they get to travel along with me.  Because we're all so connected, they feel like they are right there with me.  It's pretty amazing.  

FS in Paeroa

I've enjoyed traveling alone for this reason.  I can share my experiences on facebook and my friends comment on my photos and updates.  I'm not sure traveling alone would be quite as satisfying without their enthusiasm.

And now my friends children have become part of my support network.  All of these little people are getting enthusiastic about my travels.  So I send postcards and they marvel at how they got to their letterboxes.  I am motivated by the fact that I am creating future adventurers and explorers.  I am inspiring children to see the world when they grow up.  

This is how Flat Stanley came to me.  

My highschool friend Kelly has been showing her son Simon my facebook page since he was old enough to love computers (so from birth basically).  
 

Happy 8th Birthday Simon! 

Now Simon is about to turn 8 and his class is doing an assignment in Geography where the children have been asked to create a flat character out of paper and take it places, get a photo and then share it with the class.  They will all learn about where each character goes.

Simon asked if I could take his character - Flat Stanley - on some adventures with me.   I enthusiastically accepted the challenge!  

And so begins The Adventures of Flat Stanley!

With Stan Walker - winner of Australian Idol

With The Exponents - a great Kiwi band

I'm thrilled to see Flat Stanley so well received.  People just love him and I'm amazed at  how easy it is to ask people to pose with him for a photo.  It's revolutionary!  Why hadn't I thought of this?

Signatures

So far Flat Stanley has met some famous Kiwis...  Stan Walker,  The Exponents, Breaks C0-op and the All Black Sevens Rugby team.  He has also been invited to go on trips with other people.   He went to Melbourne and has been invited to India, Sri Lanka, Singapore, Malaysia, Thailand and a few other places.  Lucky guy!  I wish I could flatten myself!

With DJ Forbes - captain of NZ AB 7's

With Tim Mikkleson

With David Raikuna

With Sam Dickson & Joe Webber

With Sherwin Stowers

With the coach Sir Gordon Tietjens

He even went to a Bruce Springsteen Concert at Mount Smart Stadium in Auckland New Zealand!  

 

And then I realize I AM Flat Stanley.  All these years of traveling and taking photos of myself around the world and posting them on facebook... I have been inspiring my friends to travel for years!  

And I travel much the same way as FS does... I rely on the generosity of strangers and new aquaintances I meet who extend invitations for me to stay.  I've met so many kind and wonderful people on this earth and now I have more friends than I can keep in touch with... I gave up sending Christmas cards years ago! 

Thank you Facebook.  I don't know what I'd do without you.  

So if you want to follow along on Flat Stanley's Adventures simply go to my facebook page One Mountain At A Time or click on this link which will take you directly to the album:  Adventures of Flat Stanley 

Check in frequently as more photos are being added all the time.

 Simon will be thrilled to know that his Geography assignment is inspiring people around the world to get off the sofa and start adventure seeking. 

Post by One Mountain At A Time.

Yesterday a Cloud, Today a Tree

Five years ago I completed my training for a not for profit organization called "Growing Through Grief" - an organization that supports children through loss, separation, divorce and death.

As I was flipping through my old journals and notes, I came across something I wrote after the training.

Firstly we were asked to cut out a picture of an object that accurately describes you.  I immediately wished I was a tree but I cut out a picture of a cloud instead.

The clouds from the top of Kilimanjaro

Clouds are free moving. 
They go where the wind blows them.  
They constantly change.  
They are fluffy & pretty but, 
they can become black and angry.  
They provide shade when temperatures soar
They can also pour down on those who sought shelter in the first place.
They are unpredictable, ominous, shifting & fascinating.

(I think that's a pretty accurate description of me.)

Oh how I wish I were a tree!

 We were learning about the symptoms of grief in a child:

• Stomach pain
• Trouble sleeping
• Bed wetting
• School phobia...

I interrupted... explaining to the group that those were all signs of serious illness too. I was upset that no one recognized that.

As we carried on, I began to wonder why that triggered such a reaction in me. Then I realized that I never had support to deal with my grief as a child. 

I then wondered... could I have manifested my grief into CANCER??   Studies prove this is possible and Oncologists believe that most cancer is caused by stress.  But it was a revelation to me and the penny dropped.  I'd never thought of it that way.

I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at the age of 10, it was advanced stage 3. I was in so much pain for years but learned to block it out and developed an extremely high tolerance to it because no one believed me.  We all have the ability to block out pain, especially if you think it's all in your head.

I miraculously survived my ordeal, but I wasn't just left with physical scars. The emotional scars and trust issues remain to this day, and they run deep.  I still work on them in therapy. 

More upsetting still, is that our family doctor should have recognized the symptoms of grief, yet did nothing.  Instead, she told my mom I needed more attention.  She didn't do any tests.  She didn't check my bloods.  She didn't even ask me to lie down to palpate my abdomen (in which case she would have felt the mass growing on my ovary).  She just sent me home, making me feel like I was wasting everyone's time.  I had ALL of those symptoms listed above, except the school phobia. I loved school, but the doctor assumed I had school phobia because I was always complaining about not feeling well.

I was a quiet child. I was the sort of child who learned to entertain myself, staying clear of the drama that my family thrived in at the time.  We didn't have a dad around.  My mom had an emotional breakdown just after I was born.  I was sent to live with relatives for the first 6 months of my life.  I didn't bond with my mom as a result.  

I was the youngest of 5 and I always felt like I was in everyone's way.  I kept to myself.  

I recall being told to shut up if I laughed too loud with my friends.  Granted, my siblings were teenagers (and teenagers can be assholes) and I was their annoying little sister... but still.  I was extremely sensitive and I took everything to heart. Deep down, I just wanted them to like me and care about me.  I lived in my own world.  There are very few photos of me smiling in photos before the age of 10.  

I was a very lost, very lonely and very sad child.  I wanted my dad and I didn't feel safe with my mom, not because she was horrible.  She was just not emotionally available, she was going through her own grief which I only learned much later in life.  I wanted someone to make me feel loved and safe.  I didn't want to feel like a burden or like I was not wanted.  I needed love and protection.  It took me a lifetime to learn to give that to myself.

Years later, I blamed the cancer for my grief, but could it be possible that it was the other way around? What if the grief and other factors (this is when the subject of which emotions affect different organs in the body comes into play) created the cancer? 

I believe that everything happens for a reason.  Having cancer puts life into perspective. I didn't turn to alcohol to numb my pain despite the fact that I experienced so much grief and disappointment.  Having cancer, going through chemotherapy and being on so many drugs as a kid made me want to look after my body later in life, not abuse it with alcohol and recreational drugs.  I like being conscious and awake, not numb to feeling things that hurt me emotionally.  I also learned to be resilient. I was born to be a survivor.

I learned to handle the disappointment of my dad leaving when I was three, and only seeing him once a year, always on his terms, for just a few hours.  This might explain how I "get over" relationships quickly... Or perhaps it's simply because I was born with my moon in Aquarius which means I can easily detach from emotion.  Is it who I am or the result of my upbringing?  I think it's both. I try not to be callous about it, but detachment is a healthy way to keep emotions in check, and I try to get on with life when things come to an end.  With every ending, there's a new beginning... and I love new beginnings. 

Most of the disappointments I've had in love relationships was caused as a result of the lack of a relationship I had with my father.  Sometimes I was the toxic partner, sometimes I chose emotionally unavailable men, and sometimes we were both toxic.   I never knew how to accept or feel safe with men, no matter how much they claimed to love me.  For most of my life, I found it hard to believe, because I didn't learn to love myself for a long long time.  Even as I write this today, I'm still learning to love myself.  I'll spend my whole life learning.

I learned that no matter how much you love someone, you can't change them, they must have to desire and awareness to want to change themselves. If they aren't self-aware and won't change toxic behaviours, it doesn't mean they don't love you. You can love someone but recognize they are not healthy to be around. Sometimes you need to walk away from people you care about so that you can focus on loving yourself or give them space to learn to love themselves.  Love is not easy, but the older I get, the more I realize how much we need it.  Life is sweeter when you love and are loved in return.

I have a very different relationship with my family today. Hindsight is 20/20.  We were all surviving our own reality of  an upbringing with a single mom.  We raised ourselves and we all have very different perspectives on the environment we grew up in.  Luckily for us, our mom had a strong value system, she gave us adult responsibilities from a young age and that taught us some pretty valuable survival skills.  She was not perfect, but no parent is.  It's up to you to learn the lessons you need from your upbringing in order to function as an adult in the world.  All five of us turned out alright, we learned a lot from our childhood, and looking back, we were pretty darned blessed and I'm so lucky I had them to learn from.

 

Today I am less of a cloud and more like a tree.

I am stable with my roots grounding me to the earth.
I provide stability for others to rest their weary wings.
I stand tall and proud for everything I've accomplished.
I bend with the wind rather than shift with it.
I grow stronger with age.
I have purpose, even if I don't bear fruit.
I absorb the negative and I emit the positive.

What a difference five years makes. I can't wait to see how wise I'll be in 10 years.

Haiku

The tree stands alone

Waving it's branches with pride

At nature's beauty 

In the Mood for Love

Falling in love with someone is one of the best feelings on earth.  Those heart flutters and butterflies in the stomach from an innocent touch, the sound of their voice or the mere sight of them. 

Every girl I know loves love.

As with everything, we are taught to become more practical, more pragmatic about our choices as we get older.  I thought I was in love many times, without flutters.  I dated men who seemed right for me at the time but it didn't last, there wasn't enough real "love" to hold it together.  You can't force love.  I've been accused of being incapable of love by (insecure) men who couldn't understand why I wasn't getting flutters.  I simply wasn't attracted to them and attraction is important.

In my younger days I experienced flutters more often but I wasn't ready to settle down, I still had the world to see.   I didn't realize how rare flutters actually were.  You take love for granted when you're young.  I certainly did, so naive.  I thought it was around every corner.

I've also had my heart broken numerous times, thinking it could be "love', it's going so well, it feels amazing... then it all stops.  You're left wondering what you did wrong.  I've heard every excuse... they got scared... they think I deserve better... they don't love me (they aren't attracted to me enough)...  they don't live in the same country (one of the disadvantages of being a world traveler)... or I just never hear from them again (those are the most cowardly).  In those days I didn't realize that they were not the right "one".

It was soul crushing stuff.  The confusion and the angst lasted for months, even years.   It took me nearly 10 years to get over a broken heart from a love I had when I was 23.  In hindsight, I can see that he wasn't the one for me but at the time, I adored him.  For the record, a person with a badly broken heart like that shouldn't try to mend it by trying to love someone else.  It doesn't work.  One broken heart is enough to cause many more.  It needed time to heal.

Discovery

I used to think that you were everything,
And without you I was nothing.
I would watch the rain roll down the window
As tears trickled down my cheeks.

Sometimes,
When I'd think of us together
The pain would creep in and engulf me again
My eyes would sting at the sight of your half-hearted smile,
And I would feel incomplete, empty.

But now I am stronger.
Your harsh words have calloused my heart
Making it unfeeling to the pain
That once would have torn me.

I have learned that without you,
I am still a person,
And that others care, even if you don't.

I see the sun and it makes me smile
I feel it's warmth and I know that
I can be happy...
Even without you.

It's enough to drive a girl to join the convent.  I seriously considered taking a vow of celibacy a year or two ago.  I can see how people just shut up inside themselves and become afraid to love.  But that's not me.  I'm fearless (in most things).  I've always believed in love.

I'm the first to admit that I've been a fool.  I was humiliated after being married for less than 5 months to a man I barely knew who walked out on me because I wouldn't change to suit him. It's good to know it was the apocalypse.  So naive and silly to think marrying a person would make them love you unconditionally and stick around.  But I don't regret it.  It was a day to remember.

I want to be reminded of my first love... all the BEST qualities of every love I've ever known.  

I want a man who is not afraid of love.

Love should be mutual and easy, no games. I want to be myself and not scare him off.  

My honesty is one of my greatest attributes but not everyone can handle the truth.  I've been rejected for being honest and saying how I feel.  I don't want to change that part of me. 

Four years ago when I was visiting my friend Manna in Bangkok, we both had a blessing done by a Monk.  Part of the blessing ceremony was  having a white string tied around the wrist.  The idea behind the blessing was that whatever you desired, your truest heart's desire would be blessed upon you when the string naturally falls off your wrist.   Of course, my greatest heart's desire was to find true love.

But you mustn't cut the string off.  It must remain on your wrist until it falls off.  Only then will the blessing come true.  Who knew it would take 4 years!

The string blessing in Thailand

The string fell off a week ago.  Love is coming.

If you want to be pragmatic and sceptical, you'd see it as a coincidence.  I've decided that I'm going to look at love like I did when I was young.  I never over-analyzed, I just felt it and enjoyed it for what it was.  I don't believe there's a place for practicality when it comes to falling in love.  The best way to approach it is with reckless abandon.

I've put a lot of energy into myself these past two years and my reservoir is spilling over.  I can allow myself to be distracted for a while.  

My heart is whole and healed and it's been nurtured and protected.  No one else has a piece of it.  In the past I've only had pieces of my heart to give because I gave it away so freely.  I just didn't realize it didn't work that way.   It was my period of Atonement.

Broken hearts gradually heal but great love and great achievement involve great risk.   It's time.  I'm willing to take that risk again. 

 P.S.  I believe the right one is out there, and he's reading this right now.  :)