Sunday, July 27, 2008

Moving Forward... finding my feet... oh yes... there they are!

I don't want this to be a sad blog entry... but it's going to be very difficult to write it without feeling sadness. But in actual fact, I have always embraced change and see what good can come out of even the most challenging situations.

It has been one month since Brian decided to take the girls and walk out of my life. I don't need to get into the nitty gritty of the circumstance because it really isn't relevant. The fact is, relationships need two dedicated partners to make it work - and we didn't have that. I was devastated that he chose to take the girls without letting them say goodbye to me or their friends or teachers. I haven't spoken to them but I truly hope they are adjusting to their new life. I will always think of them as my girls and hope that they will find their way back to me one day when they are given the right to make their own decisions.

I have to continue to move forward - it's the only way to get through grief. I got myself a part time job working at a Rest Home because I haven't been earning much of an income as a full time stay at home mother AND running my part time massage clinic. Rent is rather high in this area and I don't want to lose the house and my business. The job at the Rest Home feeds my need to nurture and I work the 4-9pm shift (which are the hours during the day I found the most difficult because those were my "Mummy" hours). It works out really well with my Massage business because I can still book patients in during the daytime.

The most amazing things have been happening to me since Brian left. My business is doing SO well! I have had quite a few new patients and my "regulars" have been so supportive throughout this transition. I am truly blessed. Now that I have more time, I am digging my heels in and marketing my business as it should be. I am going to be JUST FINE. For the first time I have a clear vision of where I want the business to head - and a 5 year plan to follow. It's very exciting.

Brian took all of the furniture (he didn't even leave me a foam mat to sleep on). He left the appliances and the stuff I shipped over from Canada - all my art work and antiques. At the time it was pretty devastating. I was the one who put all the effort into shopping for that furniture (I bought just about everything online) so it was stuff that I chose. It hurt that he took it - but the friends who were here supporting me while he was moving out kept reminding me that it was just "stuff" and to let it go. It was actually really cleansing. Once he was gone, I went on a cleaning frenzy! I had the carpets cleaned and I washed every inch of this place - even the ceiling tiles! I have discovered that cleaning is good therapy.

I told myself that I was starting fresh. I pretended that I had just moved here from Canada and I was starting over. That's when "stuff" just started falling into my lap. I bought a new bed off a couple who had decided to upgrade to a King Size. It is such a GREAT bed! I got it for next to nothing. Then I bought a sofa off a lady who's marriage split up and she was moving into a smaller house. It's the sofa I "visualized" when I started looking for one LAST YEAR (but settled on the one Brian took). I swear... it's so perfect... and it's a sofa bed! I got it for NOTHING! Plus, this same lady had a dining room suite for sale - so I bought that too! It is SO lovely... but the chairs were quite grubby with sticky fingerprints. I was SO delighted when I got them home only to realize that they have removable slip covers! So I threw them in the washing machine and VOILA! The table can be extended too. A dining suite like this would cost thousands!

All the while, I was doing massages to pay for this stuff so I wasn't worrying about money. Next, I bought a couple of area carpets off a girl who is moving to Australia and is selling everything. I felt that purchasing carpets was a luxury and not necessity but it became clear that it wasn't really about the carpets - we have now become friends (who is surprised by that statement?) and I helped her at her garage sale and ended up buying more "luxury" stuff off her. Know how I afforded it?

I bought myself a wedding band about three years ago shortly after Brian asked me to marry him (yes, I bought my own wedding ring - I should have known THEN that it wasn't going to work). I have never worn the ring so a few months ago I decided to sell it online. I had a few offers but they weren't really high enough and I wasn't desperate to get rid of it... so I held on and kept trying to get as close to the price as I could... and I did! I sold it for $27.50 less than what I paid! Can you believe that? For those of you who know about The Secret - you know that this is no accident.

So now, just one month later - I am sitting in a home that is all my own - surrounded by things that I chose and that I enjoy. I am happier than I've felt for a long time. I still feel love for Brian but I have let him go. I won't invite toxic people into my life again. This was a good life lesson. I will always be grateful for that relationship because without it, I wouldn't be where I am today. Three years have been invested into the lives of two beautiful little girls and I know that won't be wasted. I feel so good about that.

And as an added bonus, all that weight I put on last year after my surgery has fallen off and I am back to feeling like my old self.

So now it's time for me. That invitation is still open for anyone who wants to come to NZ for a holiday! I have lots of extra room now! Here are some photos of my spare room just to tempt you...

I'm thinking about possibly getting an international student in to help out with rent or perhaps even offering short term accommodation to someone who is like me - finding their feet.


Claire said...

Tracy, I am very sorry to read about Brian walking out on you. Obviously, I don't know all the details but it seems like a terribly selfish thing to do. Most of all, I feel for his two young daughters. They had found a wonderful mother in you and that has been taken away from them.

I must say I think your place looks beautiful and I hope you're truly happy in your space. You are a strong woman and life goes on. Stay strong.


Anonymous said...

I can only imagine the pain you feel with the loss of those precious girls. You should take comfort in knowing that in the time you had with them you gave them the tools to better their lives, happiness, and stability of a whole family. For that they will never forget. You will always be in their hearts and thoughts i'm quite sure.