I returned to New Zealand with a heavy heart and a knowing that I would never fit back into the life I had. It's such a disconcerting feeling, because I truly loved my life and I was grateful for it every day. It was a charmed life, I had everything I needed and wanted at my fingertips. It wasn't flashy but it was mine and I was content with everything I had.
It wasn't always that way of course, I worked hard to get my life in that beautifully balanced state. Finally everything was just ticking along at a steady pace and I was blissfully content after many years of struggle and challenges.
|My view as I write this piece|
Two days after my arrival back in New Zealand, I was told that my house was going to be sold and I would need to find somewhere else to live.
Hakuna Matata. That was my reaction.
I started packing up things I didn't need and purging things I would never use. I donated a huge pile of stuff to charity.
|Karma packed himself|
When it came to my everyday items, I struggled to pack them. Suddenly I was wrought with fear. I didn't want to move. I felt paralyzed. I was getting flashbacks of all the wonderful moments I'd had in that house. There were ghosts too - but they were just as comforting. The house had history. I was in a state of disbelief that it was coming to an end. I beat myself up thinking that I wasn't grateful enough. I cried for days. I couldn't stop myself. I was grief stricken.
It was an emotional upheaval leaving Canada to move to New Zealand 10 years ago but I think this move was harder. I'd never felt that blissful contentment in Canada - ever. This time I was leaving comfort for limbo land, putting my stuff into storage and moving into a temporary home at a resort. It sounds pretty great but the reality is - it isn't home. I'm not sure when I'll have a "home" again. Something inside of me says it's not going to happen for a while.
|Life at a retreat from the fishbowl looking out|
I am very blessed. I have the most amazing friends who have offered to store my things. I didn't want to take advantage of their generosity so I've split my household items between four separate locations. Two different garages for the stuff I don't need, my personal items are stored in a friend's spare bedroom, and the most important items have moved up to the retreat.
|View of the main house from the natural mineral pool|
|Mac and I settling in|
Change is hard and emotionally draining. Living in this beautiful resort with magnificent views of Mount Maunganui will take time to get used to. I have access to a warm mineral swimming pool and hot tub from the french doors to my room that lead out onto the deck. There is no more street noise, no buses or cars zooming past, no airplane engines roaring overhead. The silence is almost deafening... the big house creaks and groans, the mini fridge makes strange noises at night.
Neither of us slept very well last night. The creaks and groans of the new house kept us awake. Mac slept under the covers curled up next to me - something he has never done before. In fact, he is still under there - 15 hours later.
I know how he feels. I have only left my room briefly to eat a late breakfast. I've been in here all day getting my bearings and trying to figure out how I'll fit in.
The rational side of me sees this as one big adventure. The fear based side of me wants to crawl under the covers with Mac. I realize I'm not sounding very grateful for what I have here.
|The views are stunning up here|
What I'm waiting for, I do not know. I'm glad I have a good book. Give me a few days, I'll get my gratitude back, hopefully around the same time that Mac comes out from under the covers.