In the Mood for Love

Falling in love with someone is one of the best feelings on earth.  Those heart flutters and butterflies in the stomach from an innocent touch, the sound of their voice or the mere sight of them. 

Every girl I know loves love.

As with everything, we are taught to become more practical, more pragmatic about our choices as we get older.  I thought I was in love many times, without flutters.  I dated men who seemed right for me at the time but it didn't last, there wasn't enough real "love" to hold it together.  You can't force love.  I've been accused of being incapable of love by (insecure) men who couldn't understand why I wasn't getting flutters.  I simply wasn't attracted to them and attraction is important.

In my younger days I experienced flutters more often but I wasn't ready to settle down, I still had the world to see.   I didn't realize how rare flutters actually were.  You take love for granted when you're young.  I certainly did, so naive.  I thought it was around every corner.

I've also had my heart broken numerous times, thinking it could be "love', it's going so well, it feels amazing... then it all stops.  You're left wondering what you did wrong.  I've heard every excuse... they got scared... they think I deserve better... they don't love me (they aren't attracted to me enough)...  they don't live in the same country (one of the disadvantages of being a world traveler)... or I just never hear from them again (those are the most cowardly).  In those days I didn't realize that they were not the right "one".

It was soul crushing stuff.  The confusion and the angst lasted for months, even years.   It took me nearly 10 years to get over a broken heart from a love I had when I was 23.  In hindsight, I can see that he wasn't the one for me but at the time, I adored him.  For the record, a person with a badly broken heart like that shouldn't try to mend it by trying to love someone else.  It doesn't work.  One broken heart is enough to cause many more.  It needed time to heal.

Discovery

I used to think that you were everything,
And without you I was nothing.
I would watch the rain roll down the window
As tears trickled down my cheeks.

Sometimes,
When I'd think of us together
The pain would creep in and engulf me again
My eyes would sting at the sight of your half-hearted smile,
And I would feel incomplete, empty.

But now I am stronger.
Your harsh words have calloused my heart
Making it unfeeling to the pain
That once would have torn me.

I have learned that without you,
I am still a person,
And that others care, even if you don't.

I see the sun and it makes me smile
I feel it's warmth and I know that
I can be happy...
Even without you.

It's enough to drive a girl to join the convent.  I seriously considered taking a vow of celibacy a year or two ago.  I can see how people just shut up inside themselves and become afraid to love.  But that's not me.  I'm fearless (in most things).  I've always believed in love.

I'm the first to admit that I've been a fool.  I was humiliated after being married for less than 5 months to a man I barely knew who walked out on me because I wouldn't change to suit him. It's good to know it was the apocalypse.  So naive and silly to think marrying a person would make them love you unconditionally and stick around.  But I don't regret it.  It was a day to remember.

I want to be reminded of my first love... all the BEST qualities of every love I've ever known.  

I want a man who is not afraid of love.

Love should be mutual and easy, no games. I want to be myself and not scare him off.  

My honesty is one of my greatest attributes but not everyone can handle the truth.  I've been rejected for being honest and saying how I feel.  I don't want to change that part of me. 

Four years ago when I was visiting my friend Manna in Bangkok, we both had a blessing done by a Monk.  Part of the blessing ceremony was  having a white string tied around the wrist.  The idea behind the blessing was that whatever you desired, your truest heart's desire would be blessed upon you when the string naturally falls off your wrist.   Of course, my greatest heart's desire was to find true love.

But you mustn't cut the string off.  It must remain on your wrist until it falls off.  Only then will the blessing come true.  Who knew it would take 4 years!

The string blessing in Thailand

The string fell off a week ago.  Love is coming.

If you want to be pragmatic and sceptical, you'd see it as a coincidence.  I've decided that I'm going to look at love like I did when I was young.  I never over-analyzed, I just felt it and enjoyed it for what it was.  I don't believe there's a place for practicality when it comes to falling in love.  The best way to approach it is with reckless abandon.

I've put a lot of energy into myself these past two years and my reservoir is spilling over.  I can allow myself to be distracted for a while.  

My heart is whole and healed and it's been nurtured and protected.  No one else has a piece of it.  In the past I've only had pieces of my heart to give because I gave it away so freely.  I just didn't realize it didn't work that way.   It was my period of Atonement.

Broken hearts gradually heal but great love and great achievement involve great risk.   It's time.  I'm willing to take that risk again. 

 P.S.  I believe the right one is out there, and he's reading this right now.  :)