As I was flipping through my old journals and notes, I came across something I wrote after the training.
Firstly we were asked to cut out a picture of an object that accurately describes you. I immediately wished I was a tree but I cut out a picture of a cloud instead.
 |
| The clouds from the top of Kilimanjaro |
Clouds are free moving.
They go where the wind blows them.
They constantly change.
They are fluffy & pretty but,
they can become black and angry.
They provide shade when temperatures soar
They can also pour down on those who sought shelter in the first place.
They are unpredictable, ominous, shifting & fascinating.
(I think that's a pretty accurate description of me.)
Oh how I wish I were a tree!
We were learning about the symptoms of grief in a child:
- Stomach pain
- Trouble sleeping
- Bed wetting
- School phobia...
I interrupted... explaining to the group that those were all signs of serious illness too. I was upset that no one
recognized that.
As
we carried on, I began to wonder why that triggered such a reaction in
me. Then I realized that I never had support to deal with my grief as a child.
I
then wondered... could I have manifested my grief into CANCER?? Studies prove this is possible and Oncologists believe that most cancer is caused by stress. But it was a revelation to me and the penny dropped. I'd never thought of it that way.
I
was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at the age of 10, it was advanced
stage 3. I was in so much pain for years but learned to block it out and
developed an extremely high tolerance to it because no one believed me. We all have the ability to block out pain, especially if you think it's all in your head.
I
miraculously survived my ordeal, but I wasn't just left with physical scars. The
emotional scars and trust issues remain to this day, and they run deep. I still work on them in therapy.
More
upsetting still, is that our family doctor should have recognized the symptoms of
grief, yet did nothing. Instead, she told my mom I needed more attention. She didn't do any tests. She didn't check my bloods. She didn't even ask me to lie down to palpate my abdomen (in which case she would have felt the mass growing on my ovary). She just sent me home, making me feel like I was wasting everyone's time. I had ALL of those symptoms listed above, except the school phobia. I loved school, but the doctor assumed I had school phobia because I was always complaining about not feeling well.
I was a quiet child. I was the sort of child who learned to entertain myself, staying clear of the drama that my family thrived in at the time. We didn't have a dad around. My mom had an emotional breakdown just after I was born. I was sent to live with relatives for the first 6 months of my life. I didn't bond with my mom as a result.
I was the youngest of 5 and I always felt like I was in everyone's way. I kept to myself.
I recall being told to shut up if I laughed too loud with my friends. Granted, my siblings were teenagers (and teenagers can be assholes) and I was their annoying little sister... but still. I was extremely sensitive and I took everything to heart. Deep down, I just wanted them to like me and care about me. I lived in my own world. There are very few photos of me smiling in photos before the age of 10.
I was a very lost, very lonely and very sad child. I wanted my dad and I didn't feel safe with my mom, not because she was horrible. She was just not emotionally available, she was going through her own grief which I only learned much later in life. I wanted someone to make me feel loved and safe. I didn't want to feel like a burden or like I was not wanted. I needed love and protection. It took me a lifetime to learn to give that to myself.
Years later, I blamed the cancer for my grief, but could it be possible that it
was the other way around? What if the grief and other factors (this is when the subject of which emotions affect different organs in the body comes into play) created the
cancer?
I believe that everything happens for a reason. Having
cancer puts life into perspective. I didn't turn to
alcohol to numb my pain despite the fact that I experienced so much grief and
disappointment. Having cancer, going through chemotherapy and being on so many drugs as a kid made me want to look after my body later in life, not abuse it with alcohol and recreational drugs. I like being conscious and awake, not numb to feeling things that hurt me emotionally. I also learned to
be resilient. I was born to be a survivor.
I learned to handle the disappointment of my dad leaving when I was three, and only seeing him once a year, always on his terms, for just a few hours. This might explain how
I "get over" relationships quickly... Or perhaps it's simply because I was
born with my moon in Aquarius which means I can easily detach from
emotion. Is it who I am or the result of my upbringing? I think it's both. I try not to be callous about it, but detachment is a healthy way to keep emotions in check, and I try to get on with
life when things come to an end. With every ending, there's a new beginning... and I love new beginnings.
Most of the disappointments I've had in love relationships was caused as a result of the
lack of a relationship I had with my father. Sometimes I was the toxic partner, sometimes I chose emotionally unavailable men, and sometimes we were both toxic. I never knew how to accept or feel safe with men, no matter how much they claimed to love me. For most of my life, I found it hard to believe, because I didn't learn to love myself for a long long time. Even as I write this today, I'm still learning to love myself. I'll spend my whole life learning.
I learned that no matter
how much you love someone, you can't change them, they must have to desire and awareness to want to
change themselves. If they aren't self-aware and won't change toxic behaviours, it doesn't mean they don't love
you. You can love someone but recognize they are not healthy to be around. Sometimes you need to walk
away from people you care about so that you can focus on loving yourself or give them space to learn to love themselves. Love is not easy, but the older I get, the more I realize how much we need it. Life is sweeter when you love and are loved in return.
I have a very different relationship with my family today. Hindsight is 20/20. We were
all surviving our own reality of an upbringing with a single mom. We raised ourselves and we all have
very different perspectives on the environment we grew up in.
Luckily for us, our mom had a strong value system, she gave us adult
responsibilities from a young age and that taught us some pretty
valuable survival skills. She was not perfect, but no parent is. It's up to you to learn the lessons you need from your upbringing in order to function as an adult in the world. All five of us turned out alright, we learned a lot from our childhood, and looking back, we were pretty darned blessed and I'm so lucky I had them to learn from.
Today I am less of a cloud and more like a tree.
I am stable with my roots grounding me to the earth.
I provide stability for others to rest their weary wings.
I stand tall and proud for everything I've accomplished.
I bend with the wind rather than shift with it.
I grow stronger with age.
I have purpose, even if I don't bear fruit.
I absorb the negative and I emit the positive.
What a difference five years makes. I can't wait to see how wise I'll be in 10 years.
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