Thursday, December 21, 2006

Change of Plan

It's hard to believe Christmas is only 4 days away! I have to get my act in gear and wrap the presents!!! I've got most of them stored away across the street at my neighbour's place. I can't really even remember what I've got - I've been storing them and they've been building up since July.

I am really looking forward to Christmas. The girls make it so exciting - and the fact that they believe in Santa makes it even better. Brian's Uncle Roger and Aunt Christine are arriving on the 23rd with their kids - Dion, Jody and Nikki. It will be a nice Christmas with them here - and we got two turkeys this year (last year I couldn't get into the spirit and I think we ended up eating sandwiches for Christmas dinner!).

There has however, been a change in plan for the wedding. We have decided to postpone it. It was a most difficult decision but luckily it was a small wedding so it only took a few phone calls to let the guests know.

There are a few reasons for the postponement... the first being that I feel that we simply need more time. Brian was getting some cold feet (subconsciously) and we had a big fight over church. He said that he didn't want me taking the girls to church anymore. I felt like I was simply a glorified babysitter - I raise the girls through the week while he works long hours and on the weekends he rules the roost and we all have to adapt to having him home... which also means stopping what we enjoy doing and spending time at home while he watches T.V. Rubbish.

Going to church has been wonderful for the girls. He may not see it, but I do. I feel that it is my responsibility as the girls "mother figure" to introduce them to faith so that they can make an informed decision later in life. For now, church provides them with some security, stability, friendships and it feeds their wee souls. And it's precious "girl time". It's our bonding time. It would be a mistake to stop that. I stand strong in my conviction and I can't raise the girls without teaching them about God and faith. It's who I am. If he can't accept that, we have a problem.

But Brian and I are still very committed to one another and to sharing in the raising of the girls. We simply need more time to sort out these "glitches". Perhaps we'll find middle ground... or perhaps we'll just agree to disagree. But we are still butting heads over certain issues and I don't take marriage lightly. I could NOT walk down the aisle and say my vows if there are questions in my mind. I'd rather not marry.

The second issue is over Brian's parents and brother. They hate me. I wish it was as simple as that... but it's hate like nothing I've ever experienced in my life. Brian's mother was really nasty to me and even took out a trespass order on me so that I couldn't visit the girls when they lived on their farm! She made things as difficult for us as possible and physically attacked Brian on two occasions and left numerous drunken threatening messages on our phone. She just didn't want Brian to take the girls back. I was/am a HUGE threat to her. Brian's brother is just as scary - actually scarier. He threatened to financially back his parents to seek custody of the girls. He's threatened my life. Up until recently Brian's father has remained fairly neutral and relatively supportive of Brian trying to get back on his feet. But the other day he joined in the attack - leaving a threatening message on our telephone telling Brian that he wants the farm dog back that he gave him over 3 years ago (the dog was sold last year - Brian's dad didn't want him then). He claims that Brian owes them more money plus that dog... and he threatened that if Brian doesn't pay up, he'll come to collect. Brian is terrified of his father. He's intimidated by his mother and brother. They are really really scary people. I can't believe that people like that exist - but they do!! Brian has paid his mother every cent she ever "gave" him. She demanded payment when I became a fixture in his life. He paid - thinking it would get her off his back. But it hasn't... it just keeps adding up... and they keep demanding more. It's emotional blackmail and Brian keeps paying into it hoping that they'll leave him alone. I don't agree with it and I just can't support Brian's decision to continue paying them money that they find he owes them every six months or so. Enough is enough. I am NOT afraid of them. They are sad people.

Of course, it's all fueled by the fact that they no longer control Brian. His father left that message after they had tried to ring the girls on Natalya's birthday. We were out. They obviously couldn't understand that - and assumed that we were purposely not letting the girls speak to them. They were drunk. They have always told Brian that he's a loser and that he's going to mess up his girls... so subconsciously he believes it !! They are master manipulators and it's so sad for Brian and the girls who are the pawns. I'm the person they hate and they want to show how much they hate me by hurting Brian. It just makes everything that much harder for us.

But I am even more determined to be here for Brian and the girls. Honestly, I can't imagine what sort of life the girls would have if they were left in the care of their grandparents. Brian would get so lost, he'd just disappear one day. His parents wouldn't even care. They've already buried him.

Being a mother to these girls has given me a purpose. I always live by the anonymous quote that says, "In one hundred years from now it will not matter what kind of car you drive or how much money you have. What will matter is the change you make in the life of a child."

So as you see, I've got my work cut out for me. I'm not looking for easy, I'm looking for personal fulfillment. I think the potential is here... just need more time to work out the logistics. Only time will tell whether wedding bells will ring.

1 comment:

debra said...

I love you Tracey Pepper.
I am very proud of you that you are taking the time to work out everything in this big decision.
Merry Christmas.
All my love.