Thursday, August 02, 2007

Swimming lessons

I'm not exactly sure where to start. My trip home has been incredibly busy - which I expected it would be. It's no wonder why I told Brian I didn't want to go only days before I departed. Life over here is fast. It is full of "stuff" and it's so easy for a person to get sensory overload from all of it. I feel like a kid in a candy store. I am surrounded by temptations - STUFF for bargain prices.

I'm beginning to remember why I chose to live in New Zealand (besides Brian and the girls being there). It so easy to get caught up in the current of life in Canada. Some people can resist the current and live life simply here but unfortunately I can easily get sucked up in the current whether I like it or not. The current in New Zealand just isn't as strong... it's more like a lazy river.

I think I would like to try living in Canada again one day - but not for at least another 3-4 years. I need more time to strengthen my swimming so that the current doesn't pull me in again. I would surely drown.

The current is consumerism for those of you who haven't already guessed.

I spent the past weekend with my dad, step-mom and little brother Jamie. It was so nice spending time with them and having a place to rest a little and have a bath! We drove out to Guelph to my Auntie Lise's farm on Saturday. The family was having a little "get together" for my Uncle Julien and his oldest son Alex. I haven't seen Alex for close to 12 years! He's 18 now and a fine kid indeed. The two of them drove across Canada all the way from Nelson BC to Cape Breton and back! My family is great - we always have such a good time together. I'm the oldest cousin on my dad's side of the family and it's nice that my cousins are all now growing up and in their late teen's and early 20's. For the first time, I wasn't entertaining a bunch of kids (or trying to get away from them). I finally bonded with my little cousins (who all looked up to me when they were little). I'm so glad I got the chance to be here for this reunion. My family is so important to me - even if I don't get to see them often. I strengthened the bond with my dad on this trip. We had a few really good talks, more than ever before. Our relationship is maturing like wine.

I've also managed to get in some time with my mom. We too had some really good chats - about her health and the future. She is 61 now and not in the best health. She pointed out to me that she realizes that she may only have another 10 years left (both of her parents died fairly young and my mom doesn't live the healthiest lifestyle). It was a pretty sobering thought. Only 10 years... most of which I'll live in New Zealand. What if something happens? So we talked about the possibility of coming back to Canada if she needed someone to look after her. We even thought about the possibility of bringing her to New Zealand - but would they let her into the country with her health conditions? None of my siblings want to take on the burden of caring for our mother so I'm happy to do it, if I can.

Plus I have had the opportunity to reconnect with so many friends. I have A LOT of friends. The MOST amazing friends. I've moved a lot and as a result I have created this world of support. Unfortunately, I have more friends than I have days and time spent here on this trip! I wish I could see everyone - and that's part of the stress that I'm feeling, because I know I can't. I'm supposed to be here for Cindll - helping with her wedding - but I've hardly done anything! I feel terribly guilty about that and I hope she's not disappointed in me. I just have so much to do in a short time.

Right now I am in Stratford working - trying to do massages on some of my old clients. I'm even struggling to fit that in! I was so lucky to have made such strong friendships while I lived in Stratford so the people who want to get massages are also wanting me to stay over, have dinner, go to their kids' soccer games, take me to the beach, etc. The days are filling up quickly. I spent all day yesterday with my dear dear friend Monica and her 2 year old daughter Maia. Tim joined us later when he finished work. It's been surreal being here with them as they have been such strong influences in my life. I love them so much and wish I had more time with them - but I'm glad I got to spend an entire day. It's been two years since our last short visit and it's like time hasn't passed.

I also had a special visit with my good friend Mary Lou. Together we had a "lightbulb" moment. Throughout my life I can recall feelings but not places or specific memories. THAT is why I am not ready to return to Canada and the reason I left in the first place. Being here floods me with so many feelings and emotions - not all of them are good. I feel so much anxiety and feelings of inadequacy here and I never completely understood why. I just don't have those feelings in New Zealand. Over there, I feel loved and blessed and needed. Here I just felt stressed and the need to be perfect.

Maybe one day I will be a stronger swimmer and it won't matter, but for now I'm taking swimming lessons in New Zealand.

1 comment:

Auntie Tracy said...

Welcome home !! It sounds overwhelming to me and I've never left. You will thank yourself later for reinforcing your old ties now .. enjoy it while it lasts Trace !!