Monday, September 24, 2007
Shame shame shame on me! It's been far too long between posts. I don't even know where to begin because I've left it so long and SO much has happened! I don't think I'll bother trying to re-tell it all because the moment has passed... instead I'll just write about my current thoughts and I'm sure things I've done will resurface on their own.
I am now back in New Zealand after being in Canada for nearly two months. I had the most amazing time... but it is also nice to be settling back to my "chosen life". I have this new feeling of peace and calm which is something that was missing before I left on this trip. I lead a double life - there's the Tracy Pepper everyone knows in Canada... this fun loving, crazy girl, a free spirit. Then there's the Tracy Pepper in New Zealand... a centered mother and partner, responsible and always looking after everyone else. They are two very different people. I have the best of both worlds and for the first time I was able to embrace and enjoy both sides of myself. I think it's healthy to have a balanced life and it's very difficult to have two sides in one world. It's hard enough having two sides in TWO worlds... but I've managed to find the right balance so that I don't tip the scales too far either way.
My life in Canada was always shallow. I think I've mentioned that before. It was a good life, but I was too self focused and I was obsessed with my problems (which were minor but I was so focused on them that I made them major). I had a great career and wonderful friends but I was too busy to enjoy what life is supposed to be about. I had no balance.
I came to New Zealand to find balance and it was here that I found my "chosen family". Brian and the girls bring me back down to reality. They give me something to focus on other than myself. They give me roots (something I've never had) and are teaching me how love works. I am a strict parent - which surprises me - and as a result I am raising some pretty amazing children who are respectful, responsible, secure and happy. I'm not sure where I've learned these parenting skills but I'm good at it. This is the most important thing I've ever done in my life. Admittedly, I miss the "fun Tracy"... but she's still around (as I discovered when I went BACK to Canada).
Kiwi Tracy + Canadian Tracy = One Balanced Chick
So here's the ultimate plan.... one day I will travel between both countries regularly. I chose to live a simple life so that I can just pick up and go when I need to find the right balance. I've finally gotten my New Zealand Residency which means in 5 more years I will be a Citizen here. Once that happens, I can live here, Canada or Australia. Until then, I can leave New Zealand for up to 6 months a year. Ideally we'd love to find Brian a job in Canada (we have a few leads and people are telling us about the skilled labour shortage so there really shouldn't be a problem) so that the four of us can go over there for the summer months. I've had a few friends interested in "swapping houses" with us. If anyone is reading this and would like to come to New Zealand during our winter months... we're an hour from some great skiing and it never snows where we live so winter's are really mild... let me know.
Basically my trip home got my wheels spinning and helped me sort out my life and made my vision a lot clearer. I now have direction - and BALANCE. What an amazing feeling. Don't ever take your balance for granted because let me assure you - a life without balance is not easy to navigate.
Thank you to all of you who have helped me find that balance. It was an emotional time (I'm an emotional girl) but because of you - the most amazing friends a person could ever wish for - my anxiety is gone. I belong... to all of you. But most of all, I belong to these two little girls...