Monday, November 27, 2006


Is anyone out there reading this? If so, why hasn't anyone left a comment for me regarding my upcoming name change (see "Tracy Pumpernickle")?? The problem with having a blog is not knowing who is reading this unless people leave me a comment when they check in. If this sounds like you... it's time to click on the "comment" link at the bottom of one of my entries and say hello! I am feeling a bit neglected. This means all of you... any of you... strangers... family... friends... Mrs. P's rellies... it excludes no one. Plus, what do you think of my new blog template? An IT friend of mine says it's a bit more confusing... what do you think?

It is certainly a weird spring season. The sun shines in the morning but by lunch time it's blustering and you aren't sure if it's going to rain or not. By late afternoon it sounds like a hurricane! The temperature is warm, but the wind is cool. You just never know what to wear.

It's just a month away from the wedding. I've gotten news from my family in Canada that no one will be attending. Ah well, I can't be too disappointed. It's a long way to go and it's the most expensive time of the year to travel. My family has never been able to turn up to any of my "milestones"... so I've always been on my own. If it's not convenient... it won't happen. That's why I've been on my own since the age of 16. But the wedding was beginning to feel as though it was getting bigger than I wanted - as I planned for my family to come. Now that they aren't going to be here, I can relax and enjoy the day without trying to live up to family expectations. I put far too much pressure on myself when they are involved. I love them dearly, but for some reason I'm not able to be myself with them. I feel scrutinized and judged. But enough of that psychobabble... my therapist has heard it all.

I am quite comfortable with my little family here - Brian, Natalya, Chantelle, Bubba and Mrs. P. At the moment Brian is working long hours so I'm feeling a bit like a single parent - but that's a sacrifice you make when you have a family. He is driving diggers and bulldozers again - a job he just loves! He leaves at 4:30am and is home by 7:00 - 8:00pm. It's crazy, we don't see him all week.

Being a single parent isn't easy. I don't know how my mom did it with five children!!! Times were different then - and I actually don't remember her being home much. She worked and we ran amuck. We were wild children with no rules. It's amazing that we all turned out so well actually. Not one of us went to prison once! Of my two, Chantelle is the wild card. She's a tough nut and very difficult to figure out. Natalya is emotional and has a conscience. She is the "tattletale" of the two... the "goody-two-shoes". Channy is quiet but she is full of mischief. She loves to irritate her sister, she is sneaky and she plays "sweet". I don't know what to think of that girl. She shows no emotion when she gets in trouble (Natalya cries and runs off to her bed)... but Channy just gives a blank stare (and lately adds a little smirk). OOOOOOHHHHHHH! Parenting is hard sometimes!

Some friends of mine are starting to think about having babies... in their early 30's. I feel so blessed because I have these two great girls (despite the above mentioned issues) who are halfway there... just a few more hard years left. I think age 8 is the worst year - before that they are still really cute (you hope). I've been told that they mellow out between 9-12 and then it gets bad again at 13. Fabulous. But still, the thought of starting from scratch now is exhausting! Brian and I will be in our early 40's by the time the girls are independent... so we'll be young empty nesters! I can hardly wait!!! I couldn't imagine doing this in my 40's. I'd have a heart attack - no question.

I love the girls - don't get me wrong. There are so many reasons I feel so lucky to have them in my life. They add richness and substance to an otherwise selfish world... and Christmas all of a sudden has meaning again. There is nothing more magical than living with a child who still believes in the magic of Santa Claus and the tooth fairy (Chantelle is the sort of child who pulls her teeth out just to get money from the tooth fairy!). I can't wait to tell her about this when she's an adult.

Children - they're a worry... but they are wonderful.

*** This blog entry was written whilst drinking a glass of red wine - I'm a very cheap date and can't handle much alcohol in my system so I feel a bit tiddly. If this entry sounds like a load of rubbish - it likely is. I'm in my fuzzy over analytical place. ***

1 comment:

Monica said...


I know I'm reading. Sorry you are feeling like you are writing only to cyberspace. It's been a while, but I'm all caught up now!

In fact, I just posted a very long response to Tracy Pumpernickle, and I don't think it worked, so I'm going to try again...